You have a gun? Dude, get rid of it. Especially if you're not afraid of dying. Get up and fight them to death if you must. What you fear is abandonment. It sounds like there are some dependency issues going on. This is an excerpt from the road less travelled that I wish I would have read before the love of my life left me. I have no idea if it will hold true for you or not, but check yo' self before you wreck yo' self.

Everyone has the desire to be nurtured by persons stronger than us, who have our interests at heart. No matter how strong and responsible we are if we look clearly into ourselves we will find the wish to be taken care of, to have satisfying mother and father figures. But for most of us these feelings do not rule our lives. When they do, people suffer from passive dependency personality disorder. Passive Dependents spend all their efforts seeking to be loved, leaving them without any left to give. They feel a part is missing from their lives, and have poor tolerance for loneliness. When they do things for others the motive is to cement the attachment to others to assure their own care. When the possibility of care is not directly involved in a task they have great difficulty doing it, like buying a house, separating from their parents, or finding a job. Passive dependents' lack of love and emptiness is the direct result of parental failure to fulfill a child's need for affection and care (why I wanted to be a dad so much, I knew my parents did it wrong or apathetically). Children who are loved and cared for with relative consistency enter adulthood with a deep seated feeling that they are loveable and cared for as long as they remain true to themselves. Children growing up lacking enter adulthood feeling they don't have enough. A sense that the world is unpredictable and ungiving, as well as doubt that they are loveable and valuable. They scramble for love and cling to it with desperation that leads them to manipulative behavior, destroying the very relationships they seek to preserve. In desperation to form and preserve attachments they throw honesty to the wind. They cling to outworn relationships when they should give them up. Most importantly they lack a sense of responsibility for themselves. They are always passively looking to others for happiness and fulfillment. They are endlessly angry because they endlessly feel let down by others. Many passive dependents depend on drugs and alcohol. Dependency may appear to be love because it forces people to attach themselves to one another, but in actuality is a form of anti love that has it's genesis in a parental failure to love and perpetuates the failure- seeks to receive rather than to give. It nourishes infantilism rather than growth. It works to trap and constrict rather than to liberate people. It destroys rather than builds relationships. It destroys rather than builds people.