Hey, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. My heart really goes out to you!
I thought I'd offer a little different perspective.
When I was 10, my dad died.
When I was 13, mom brought a New man into the house. I..ahem..wasn't the nicest to him. I didn't DO anything to him, but I did tell him to his face that I would never call him dad. I did little things to alienate him. When I set the table, he'd get a different colored plate. Stuff like that. I made it known I didn't like him.
Well, he grew on me. And when I was 15 I was maid of honor in his and my mom's wedding.
That was June 2007. They were on their honeymoon for 2 weeks. My now stepdad's family took care my little brother and I.
Bro and I talked while they were gone. The day they got back I sat my mom and step dad down in the living room because I "needed to talk to them about something very important" (gotta give them suspense, you know :) and little bro didn't want to be there because he was scared they'd say no. He wanted me to ask them by myself.)
I asked my step dad to adopt me and my brother.
They called my bro into the room. Turns out he felt the same way I did.
Mom and step dad said they'd think about it.
The next day at dinner, my step dad announced that he had a lawyer and had petitioned for the adoption. He called off work and spent all day finding a lawyer and getting this started.
Sorry for that long story, but what I'm getting at here is that it is an awesome feeling to know that someone wants you so much that they are, not only willing to spend thousands of dollars, but to spend the time to do the rigorous paperwork, CPS visits, background checks (and my DAD was born in Germany and has lived in many different countries finally settling in the US, so I'm sure that background check is a doozy! :)) and checkups with the lawyer, talking to my bio dad's family, trying multiple times to tell the lady at the courthouse 45 minutes away that the adoption is noncontested because THE BIO DAD IS DEAD!!!!!!!!! (Side note: watching my mom yell at that lady after dad had been there 10 times was hilarious!) not only with phone calls, but multiple visits. Missed work to go see the lawyer, missed work to go to court to see the judge, missed work to go to social security with me and my brother to change our last name to his, fighting with the school because they rejected our name change. He did all of that! Just so he could raise us as his own.
Orchestra concerts, swim meets, driving me 3 hours every Sunday for practice because I was in a professional symphony in high school. Missing work and bringing his mom to NHS inductions at my high school when I thought no one would be there for me (because I noted the distinct absence of bio dad's family).
Knowing that someone went through all that and more just to have me as his daughter is one of the best feelings in the world!
I know this is a novel, and probably doesn't .make you feel better.
You can give another child the same feeling that I have! Maybe a biological child isn't in the cards for you, but definitely look into adoption! If you adopt, and you adopt a baby, keep pictures and everything, the story of their adoption! I have a folder with my adoption papers from the court And the cards from his family welcoming me into their family. I got a card from him that day saying how happy he is that I am now his daughter. I look at those and I will literally cry because I'm so happy!
When you're up for it, look into adoption! :)
Best wishes for you!!! <3 <3 <3