You're insightful. Insightful enough to recognize the dissonance. Thats SOoooo rare. You and I should develop a secret handshake as people who recognize self delusion.

I can't offer much because the truth is, this shit gets worse! I had perfectly healthy, and realistic self esteem at an obese weight and it has steadily gone down hill. Up until i started looking "in shape." That has added a layer of narcissism. NOT healthy self esteem or perspective... Honestly, i think if you wanna work on self esteem, this is a TERRIBLE route for meaningful change. Ya ya, people wanna pipe up and say there is nothing wrong with wanting to look good, but at some point you recognize the difference in a shallow paper thin narcissism that is shattered by the most innocent of comments, and a rock solid foundation on which you build a realistic sense of self. You get comfortable with yourself, and you get okay with your flaws. Its just been, during this journey, its really shaken up that foundation for me. I'm working on getting it sorted again.