I don't have children but I do have younger relatives, I'm the embarrassing one not her. My little cousin had her 1st grade graduation recently and she invited me to it. The school gymnasium was packed with parents and relatives, children were all seated near the stage in little child sized chairs while the adults who were lucky enough to get seats were in slightly larger chairs. Those of us who weren't fortunate enough to get a seat had to stand at the back with teachers and other staff, we were crammed in there like a train car headed to Auschwitz.
The woman reading the names decided to make the most of her time by reading the names dramatically, pausing between the first and last names. "Alice... Alderman" shit, we are going to be here a while. She started with the kindergarten first, a combined total of almost 60 children, each would try to run up there as fast as their little legs would allow but they were all told to walk. Little kids have two speeds, as fast as possible and painfully slow.
It's starting to get hot, I don't tolerate large crowds well, I tend to get nervous around that many people. We are standing shoulder to shoulder, the woman on the stage is finally getting into the S's for the kindergarten class, not long now.
Sweat is dripping, this gymnasium has become the African veldtland, a single solitary drop forms at the top of my ass and travels immediately down the crack, swamp ass is unavoidable. I really want a cigarette and I doubt I could sneak off to smoke in a bathroom, none of these 6 year old kids have a smoking habit so I can't pretend I caught one taking a drag and I'm trying to convince them to use nicotine patches to deal with the stress of finger painting and hand turkies.
Bloooooooooorp
Oh no, no no no no no! My guts have finally caught word that I am nervous. I need to plan an escape route, I need to get away from and protect these poor people. A storm is brewing and it's going to produce gale force winds and possibly hail.
The back of the crowd! Yeah, there is a good place to be, I can still save all of these innocent lives!
"Carmen..."
THPBBPBPBPBPBPBRAAAAAAAAAP...squeak
"Carson."
Oh god why. My ass gave up trying to hold back the gut demon, the people behind me have been so thoroughly crop dusted that their very DNA is now infused with my fart. Their future children will come out mutated and deformed because I shit on them so hard. There's no where to go, people are looking around, kids are giggling, I can't escape now, I'm trapped in a prison made of rotten eggs and embarrassment. Maybe if I turn around and pretend I'm looking for the monster that could have committed what could only be called a war crime...
As I turn around my eye catcher the top of a very small woman's head, everything in me tells me to stop turning, but I can't stop myself. This poor woman was directly in the initial blast zone, she was at ground zero while everyone else was caught in the intestinal fallout. She pushed her way through the crowd away from me, I'm pretty sure she will never be OK again, no amount of therapy can fix a person after an incident like that. I'm sorry I shit directly into your sinuses, lady.