People of ARAD, how would you react if your SO wants to try open marriage/relationship, meaning would you be willing to add other people in your sex life if your SO asked?

Wrote a bit of an essay here.

I'm already in an open relationship. That was actually one of the first things we agreed on getting into it. We have some rules like needing to briefly run new partners by each other, informing each other if we'll be spending the night elsewhere, and veto power to halt a side connection that is causing problems.

If I were in a monogamous relationship that wanted to open up, I'd have an honest discussion about my experiences as a polyamorist and also what the perks and problems of polyamory are. Contrary to stereotypes, it's not all hotties and threesomes, with your partner bringing home someone new for you to fuck every night. There's a lot of need for strong trust, radically open communication, ability to calmly handle conflict, and controlling your jealousy. It's awesome to come home from work and your girl has brought someone new home for you to fuck. Having a gorgeous side lover who's into all the nerdy stuff and positions your other girls don't enjoy is great. What isn't so great is realizing that indeed some of her side guys are absolutely hunky as hell, and that while you're lonely in bed at home, she's fucking someone else at that very moment. It's also shitty to realize that you're getting jealous even though you don't mean to, and you have to figure out how to address it calmly without lashing out pettily. And then there's the sheer volume of emotional labor that goes into making multiple people feel properly loved and attended to. It really isn't for everyone, and you're not some stuffy prude if you don't want or can't handle it.

I'd also be sniffing to see if she has any specific guys in mind she wants to bang, because that could indicate ongoing cheating she seeks to legitimize before you discover it.

Anyway, I wouldn't jump right into going off and fucking other people. If one of you isn't actually up for it, it's going to severely damage the relationship and you can't take that back, especially if they witness you do it. Maybe start with reaching out online to another couple, just go on a date with them, do some flirting and kissing, see how that feels. Escalate into heavy petting, getting naked, outercourse.

A big problem I see cited with open relationships is that it usually turns into a cock parade for the girl while the guy gets 0 attention and just feels lonely, alienated, and frustrated. Yeah, that does absolutely happen a lot, especially for people trying polyamory in an area without a big community or at least a network. One solution is for the girl to help with getting the guy attention; women naturally trust other women much more, so if you'll vet your man a decent guy looking for a paramour, that'll help him a lot with overcoming the attention gap and natural resistance. Dating as a guy is tough, dating as a guy who is telling women he already has one but wants more is nigh impossible; even to women who wouldn't necessarily mind, it still does have a fundamental skeevyness to it that just reeks of sexual entitlement, like he just thinks of women as things to ejaculate in.

People have been added into our sex life whom we see on a more than occasional basis. Typically we talk about them beforehand, take them on a date with both of us, see how they mesh with us as a couple. Then, if it's compatible and all are willing, we go home and bang. Adding new lovers is fun and exciting, but also rather stressful because if they're your pick, you want your preexisting partner to like them too, and if they're your partner's pick, you want someone who makes them happy who you can also enjoy. I am currently in the process with my central GF of courting a throuple nearby and possibly moving the two of us in with them.

There are also multiple different kinds of open things. Be sure to pick the one that's right for you. You may be happiest with just occasionally having athird over, or maybe one of you just wants some discrete side action, or perhaps you're interested in polyfidelity.

Essay over. Sorry about the tangent.

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