I think what actually triggered my depression and anxiety was realizing the "friends" I was completely loyal to....who we promised on warm summer nights to always be there for each other no matter what happens didn't even care about me. Those promises they made meant nothing. They were lies. They used me for what I had, but I was discardable, they felt no emotion towards me at all. The realization really hit me when I was helping a friend move on my day off, an entire day of backbreaking moving furniture from one end of town to another in a small truck and I had a sudden epiphany that if I had asked them to help ME move they would have made up excuses or avoided me. I have very little family and always considered by friends as brothers to me.....people who were entirely loyal and would back me up in a fistfight, even if I didn't know the details of the situation because I trusted them and felt genuine (non-homosexual) love towards them and would defend them with my life.
And wouldn't you know it, none of this group of "loyal" friends will even answer my calls or texts anymore. I was no longer of use to them and a "downer" so I was tossed away and shunned. Tried texting several of them after a few years just to ask how they are doing (I don't have facebook) and still don't even receive so much as a response.
You might not be into to rap, but I find this song's lyrics captured the feeling perfectly: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnXtY5_djjI. Also this one by the same rapper illustrates anxiety/depression/depersonalizion perfectly: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eSfcUzGTdk
These weren't my brothers, they wouldn't even really care if I was dead tomorrow. I doubt any of them would even shed a tear yet in my mind we were family and their death would devastate me. I'm in my 30s so these are people I have literally known for decades, some since first grade who literally said the words "I love you(in a platonic sense of course), if you ever need help with anything, just ask." and I have said the same thing back. Except these were complete lies, they won't even talk to me because "I bring them down with my existential depressive talk about my feelings(or lack of feelings which is what my depression is turning into.
Being in my 30s and single basically means I'll never feel that kind of connection(which wasn't even shared apparently) to another human. I'm so damaged and mistrustful of people at this point that I can't even make superficial friends, let alone what I consider "real friends". And forget dating, chicks see a damaged soul and don't want to deal with that shit, plus at my age they have their own baggage....multiple divorces, kids, emotional scars they I don't have the energy to even deal because I'm so mistrustful of their intentions.
I've resigned myself to the fact that I will never actually connect to another human being in the society we live in where actual loyalty doesn't exist. I will be alone for the rest of my life and I've accepted that, but I don't know how long I can deal with the crushing lonliness.....I feels worse every day. This isn't what I thought life and society would be like when I was a kid. Just a bunch of people trying to screw each other at every opportunity. I know that I will not make it to old age....I'm not going to be living to 60 or 70 in this empty life....eating a bullet seems like my only option, it's only a matter a time, it might take decades to happen, but I know for a fact that that is most likely the way I will die, the Hunter S. Thompson route out. Alone in a room and no one will even notice or care.