I think they like me because I'm bright and full of joy and I say fun things. I'm disarmingly sweet and eager to see a smile or a laugh. I think they hate me because... I guess I'm critical and judgmental of others, sometimes in a toxic way. I'm also completely shallow and self absorbed and I completely disregard the needs of others. I don't open up because opening up is stupid. I don't want to share or compromise. In the end, I find a reason to hate everyone, and hate always wins. Thus I have only one friend and will die alone! My lizard brain yearns for the comfort of a partner, but brass tacks, man, I hate all the things that come with having a partner, so fuck it. I'm not suited for it, it's not in my wheelhouse.

I kind of put myself in time-out for a year last year to contend with the reality of my shittiness, and though I think I've made some improvements, at this juncture I'm completely paralyzed and I have no idea how to move forward...so I think I just have to move away. But would that be -running- away? I don't know. I want a partner, but I feel like I've fucked around so much that I have to make the next one count, ya know? I'm not holding my breath, though.

I'm so lucky that I can support myself financially, comfortably. I'm looking forward to becoming the creepy old hag in the house on the corner, with the yard that neighborhood children dare each other to step into, if they're brave enough.