Honestly Im just not a good friend. Growing up I only had school friends. I NEVER hung out with a friend outside of school until I was in high school. Not because I didn't have friends, I was really popular and outgoing. I just never saw it as a thing I wanted to do. I wanted to go home and blast music and read books.
And I got into smoking weed, so hanging out became smoking while doing shit. And then just smoking. Hanging out with my friends was just boring, I could smoke at home and not be stuck outside with nothing else to do.
I got really depressed and suicidal, and moved pretty far away with stepmom after her and my mom split up. Only had contact thru the phone pretty much. I isolated myself and realized how many people weren't really friends, just people I saw often. So I deleted all 600 people off Facebook besides my best friend and a few family members, deleted Instagram and Snapchat, unfriended everybody, and I was content. I realized that being lonely was just a byproduct of filling my space with people who didn't really know me or care about me, and being upset when I realised that. I never really fell out of my major depressive disorder , so I still isolate myself quite a bit. I haven't spoken to anyone besides my girlfriend who I live with, and my 1 best friend who I see many times a week, in almost a year. My family is pretty toxic, my friends weren't really friends.
I also dropped out of high school after moving, so I lost the opportunity to meet people regularly. At least people my age. Now, Im 20, in the covid-scape theres just not many ways to meet people and I don't LIKE meeting people. These past few years have shown me that even though my isolation is unhealthy and makes me sad, if I find the balance between my safety/comfort zone, at home with my girl and my bubble, and being social, I can be happy without feeling that I'm faking my way thru life, making "friends" just to fill my life with things.