I guess, Hope. I know I wont always be depressed. I'm working towards my goals. I plan to come out of the closet soon, so many opportunities will open for me, I can publicly have a boyfriend and show him of to my whole family, right now as I write this, he is out there right now, probably having a shit though. Maybe a wank? who knows.. Coming out I don't ever have to be scared of being caught out ever again. I can just be. But most importantly, I can just be, free. My future goals bring Hope of freedom, hope of change. Hope of independence instead of economically relying on my mum. Me being depressed, sad, making people not want to be around me, is not something I want. Life is passing me by. I refuse to allow that to happen. Tomorrow I start my weight loss diet. I'm going to lose my fat and gain muscle.

I'm Changing the path I am on, which leads to nowhere and instead go onto a path that leads somewhere. I have a rough idea of the destination, its a bit hazy, but at least I'm doing something to get there, which is a bigger improvement from four years ago when I did nothing.

I refuse to let my depression consume me and make my life full of regret. I used to sleep all the time a year ago, but because I know my goals are achievable, I lie down in my bed twice a during the day. Which is a huge improvement. I used to lie in my bed all day for three years straight. Sleep, ipad, sleep. That was my life. Not any more.

My doctor subscribed me to fluoxetine I couldn't take the medication, I wanted to kill myself on that. I nearly took my life in 2013. And again in early 2014. I'm completely different from then. A new person, almost. I don't want a doctor to tell me what will make me better. I know what will make me better and that's doing and achieving what I want to do. And I will do that. Its not going to be instant, but that's the fun of the journey.

Honestly, the answer to your question is: Just hope. Sorry for sounding like a shitty version of the fucking dalhi lama.