I thought I was jaded before my experience (because she told me so). Then I started to realize that I had a lot of learning to do about what being jaded really means. At least for the time being, I want nothing to do with serious, committed relationships.
When your best friend lies to you again, and again, and again and...again...and you don't even have the nerve to try to prove her wrong because she makes an example out of the "manipulation" of another guy we both knew (a close friend) proving his own wife was cheating and then holding her to not cheating again (and then getting cheated on repeatedly, and lied to all over again, because it's fun for these crazy people to do this sort of madness to people who are honest)...and this girl I loved takes the side of the cheater, dressed up for the new guy in her life, learned new makeup skills, and lost weight with my weight rack, started eating better, spent strange amounts of time on her phone away from me, went to go hang out with this cheater chick (yes, of course that's all you did down in the cities, sure) several weekends where she comes back all quiet and weird and brooding and pissed off, crying to herself in a room after I do wonderfully nice things for her like buy her flowers, leave notes all over the house, make a beautiful supper with wine, etc...yeah.
Pretty sure I was cheated on, possibly by more than just this one guy. But it's not my duty to know. It's my duty to move the fuck on because she still won't admit any truth to me. It's absolutely unreal to experience this absurdity, but I have learned a vast amount from all of this. First and foremost, I will never trust a woman again. Ever.
A mind, heart - fuck that - a soul can only take so much pain before the world becomes much darker, much more cruel. I broke up when I realized just to what extent she was losing it - to what levels she was going just to hold her double life together. Poor girl put on a wonderful good girl act for a full decade, though, I've gotta admit - she was way into me most of the time, and that was cool, and I took it for granted. Impressive, and I really loved her for it. She never really knew how much I cared for her, and she never really will - nor does she even want to know - lol. This is like the exact opposite of a Disney story. It's pretty weird.
Stoicism has trained me well though. I need not, for I want not. I can live alone - or perhaps with some roommates, if I must. Life is still good, and there is much I wish to experience before I die. I volunteer with kids to feel a sense of compassion towards others, and I feel awesome doing it. Dating is not a fun activity for me, nor does it feel natural, so I'm simply going to halt seeking any women while I work solely on my career.
The one thing that I still have is myself. My real best friend is deep down inside, and this friend will never cheat on anyone - certainly not myself. This may sound pathetic or sad, but it will be awhile before I am even partially recovered from all this. I wonder how much women really know how evil and cruel they are in behaving this way to a man. That's the part that keeps me up at night: how does someone do this and then get away with simply casual indifference? HOW?? It's truly bizarre to me, I simply cannot even fathom it. I look this up and all I see are mental disorder descriptions. =(