So I was a regular at this Mexican restaurant called "Fernando's" and pretty much all of the staff knew me. I typically ordered a plate with a chimichanga called a "Chillie Relleño", and I could basically walk in, and the cop/part time waiter/karate teacher Thomás would take the order to the back before I even sat down. One day, I asked Thomás if they had anything hotter to eat than their regular salsa. He grinned mischievously and ran to the back with a new bowl of slightly more runny salsa. "Try this one". He watched closely as I dipped a chip in the dark red mixture and munched it slowly, savoring the taste. "Hmm, that's really good, what's it made of?" I asked. Slightly put off by the fact that I was unfazed, he said "Uh, we make that with habañero and cayenne. You really like it?" I nodded, still eating the salsa with gusto. "Well, we still have some hotter stuff if you want to try it." He ran to the kitchen and brought back a mesh bag full of raw habañero peppers and a few of his co-workers to watch. To their amazement, I ate 5 peppers raw, and even more chopped up in my rice and beans. Thomás and his co-workers all nodded in respect, all of them not knowing I grew a dozen habañero plants in my back yard and ate them almost every day. My badass waiter patted me on the shoulder and said "We got one more for you." He came back a minute later with the manager and a small bottle of pitch black tar. The manager shook my hand and asked me if I knew what it was. I did. It was Ghost chili extract. The hottest of the hot. I told them to pour half the bottle in my salsa bowl. I knew what I was getting into. First chip in, my whole world went quiet and all of my senses but the pain receptors were pretty much all ignored. It wasn't like I was eating spicy food anymore. I had just dipped my tortilla chip in hot magma. My nose started running, my eyes watered. It was like giving a habañero to a newborn. I sipped my water and went for another, and another, completely forgetting about the people around me and their cheering. 10 minutes and 5 glasses of water later, I was done. They immediately rushed me a bowl of ice cream. I also had inferno shits for week.

And that's how I got free meals for a month.