People who separated/divorced within one year of getting married: When did you know it was a mistake?

I SHOULD have known like six years prior to the marriage when we started dating and his controlling, narcissistic behavior made me miserable instead of that starry-eyed, butterflies, honeymoon excitement of a new relationship.

Except between six years of red flags he’d compliment me (often in reference to himself), tell me how great we were together, and buy me presents. Besides, I was weird and “got crazy around my period” and sometimes I’d “behave unbearably” if I was too happy or enjoying myself (he would either take me aside and chastise me while we were still out or be cold and quiet for days and eventually explode about what I child I was.) No one would love me as much as he did because he “understood me better than I understood myself.” No one else was going to —tolerate— adore all my quirks like he did.

A few months into the marriage, someone from a new-ish friend group approached me privately after witnessing me go from bubbly and social to withdrawn and responding mostly with tense smiles after a brief chat in the kitchen with ex-husband. I wouldn’t open up. I’d never opened up to anyone about my relationship. My relationship was fine. My relationship was great.

Over a matter of weeks with some gentle questioning disguised by routine conversation, I eventually started talking. The first time I even alluded to being slightly unhappy with ex-husband’s behavior I remember crying, apologizing, begging my friend to never repeat anything I’d said or I’d be in so much trouble.

Ex-husband was never once physically violent. But I just feared the fighting, the cold silence, the belittling insults, the condescending sneer so much. I didn’t know until much later that there are healthy ways to argue. That you can have a fight with your significant other and still love them and that it wasn’t normal to wish they would just drop dead right there because that would be less emotionally painful than the possibly days-long fight then silent treatment that you couldn’t do anything to stop.

Wow, fuck, that was more text than intended.

Tl;dr - 4-6 months post-marriage because I thought adult relationships were just hard and had no idea what gaslighting was. A friend saved me by being perceptive and empathetic and reaching out. They’re still one of my best friends today.

/r/AskReddit Thread