3. People who have shit themselves in your adult life, what is your story?

People who have shit themselves in your adult life, what is your story?

Ahh, finally a thread I can get on board with.

Before I begin the fecal festivities it's worth noting that I was born with a delightful bowel disorder called an an-rectal malformation. Basically the poo God's blessed me with something quite similar to Irritable Bowel Syndrome which gives me the power to quite literally shit myself at any given moment with about 30 seconds warning to play with.

I'll one day write a full-blown anecdotal pooing myself in public compendium but I'll start off with a teaser of the most recent of my 29 years of playing "nest-of-fortune". I would, on average, poo my pants at least once a year. That's a solid backlog of tales.

A last year I was working as an expat in Hong Kong. Anyone who knows HK knows that the Rugby 7's tournament is a HUGE deal over there. Working in advertising, my agency had a corporate box set up where we were basically obliged to smash piss and entertain clients for 3 days straight. We're talking weapons-grade, white-girl (I'm a male) drunk every day for 3 days. After the third day I'm pretty sure I was suffering from anemia and my bowels had turned to quince paste. I physically couldn't go on but my boss yelling at me to get back to the stadium to entertain meant I had to plug up and man-up. So I get back there, start smashing jugs of Carlsberg and after a while I'm talking to a client about his fucking golf game or something. I had one leg on a retractable stadium seat and was wearing skinny leg jeans. Halfway through his story, my leg slipped off the seat, the seat snapped up and my leg hit the ground along with a high-pressure spray of turgid diarrhea. I mumbled something and quickly waddled to the stadium bathroom. It was packed and there were only two cubicles. I had to wait about 10 minutes to get a stall, all the while listening to anyone within a 2 meter radius (everyone) of my complain in a plethora of accents about a vile smell. It was like being made fun of by the United Nations.

Anyway, I finally get in a stall, rip my jeans off and assess the damage. I was thoroughly shitfaced enough not to panic so I quietly went to town wiping my legs down with 1-ply toilet paper. After putting in a perfunctory effort for about half an hour all the lights int he stadium shut off. I'm sitting there in the darkness, half-covered in shit when there's a violent beating on the cubicle door and screaming in Cantonese. BANG BANG BANG! DIULAMAAA!! BANG BANG BANG!! DIALOMAAA!! I mumbled "hangon..." or something. Opened the door to see 10 riot cops in the darkness with torches on me. Turns out there had been a bit of mischief in the southern stand and they had to shut the stadium down. So I waddle off to the front, escorted by these Chinese cops and put into the back of a cab with my shitted-up jeans and taken home to pass out in bed.

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