I was longboarding with some friends in college. We went to a subdivision that was still under construction so the roads were perfect and not a person in sight. So we all skate to the bottom of a big hill and as we are all skating back up I feel my lower intestines groan terribly. I try to brush it off and keep pushing my skateboard up the hill. Then, as I give a good hard kick to get my board up the hill some more, the fucking flood gates open mid stride. Thank god I had on boxer briefs as this was a chunky peanut butter type of consistency that would have surely gone down my legs. I stop immediately. The first stage of pants shitting is denial. There is no way I just did that... Take a quick glance and sure as shit.... there is shit everywhere. I tell my friend next to me "Hey, I just shit myself for real. Im going to duck into a porta-john and clean myself up. Make something up to tell the group about why I'm gone." The look on his face was priceless. I go off into a construction site and find an open porta-john. This particular one had a hand sanitizer dispenser inside. I de-pants and take off my underwear. Holy hell... There is shit everywhere. My balls are absolutely covered. Shit on my dick, asshole area is a complete disaster. I wipe off what i can with the toilet paper but now i have a thin layer of dried poop all over my genitals and ass as if i painted them brown. I then have the brilliant idea of using the hand sanitizer to wash it off. I put a big blob on some toilet paper and get to work. I start to clean my asshole and am met with and incredible burning sensation. The hand sanitizer has lit my asshole on fire and the pain in ridiculous. after a solid 15 minutes, I'm finally decent. The car ride home was terrible. Everyone was commenting on the shit smell and there I was pretending that nothing happened.

TLDR: Don't put hand sanitizer on your asshole.