Not sure if this counts as the poo never touched clothing but it was a minor miracle.

Me and some old uni mates met up and went for a curry. I had a vindaloo which blew my head off, but as a joke my friend moaned it was too mild, and the guy gave us a large bowl of 'Phal?' sauce on the house. We went spoonful for spoonful until it was gone.

Add about 8 pints and another 4 hours into the mix and we are in a club. I get the grumbling stomach, the gut wrenching feeling of everything going south. I had to run to the toilets and stand in the queue sweating and panicking, hand on my ass.

Eventually I explain my situation to the half pissed audience, and my almost 'Shakespearian' speech (revolving around the words 'I'm gonna fucking shit myself') worked as they let me go next. By this time it was too late and with my hand now cupping my anus, I released the river.

In the following seconds im not quite sure how but I managed to semi-contain the liquid as I got into the toilet and exploded all over it before my ass even landed on the seat. After an extensive cleanup of the cubicle and my hand I was astonished to discover that nothing had leaked from my hand, with both jeans and boxers completely free from the poison that had ejected from my anus.

Still don't know to this day how I did it. Must have formed a water tight seal below my ass!