4 failed attempts! It’s a feeling of lose , worthlessness, , chaos , self blame , questioning what’s left ! Tiredness of living in the same cycle without, feeling like you are cursed and not meant to continue, hopelessness, wondering of salvation , questions of the pain , cold stomach, assumptions , self shame and your life start playing in your eyes nothing but all failures you did! To convince your mind it’s the right thing to do ignoring the outcome! All people who really cares ! It’s a mental solitary confinement! In the first attempt I grabbed a meat knife from the kitchen and I hit the large vein in my right hand! I fainted afterwards What made the first attempt failed , is when I woke up after ! The second one was too brutal and I tried to sharpen a butcher knife , and brutally I kept on hitting my right elbow and scream, the doorman lived next to me heard me growling and cane knocking the door with no answer so he decided to break it, found me and called an ambulance! I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my elbow! And The first words in my head were “ why I’m I alive again is it because there’s something I should see ? “ ! The other two failed attempts were less brutal and I woke up in my apartment asking the same question but wondering if it’s a sign ! And in the last attempt I realized “ I should be alive , I haven’t seen enough of life , I have friends and family who loves me and believe in me, I’m not going to make them cry! “ , these words kept coming in my mind when I have suicidal thoughts I keep telling my head “ I want to live so I can see more ! , I want to be alive “ and it kept going on to this day and I suicidal thoughts can no longer last in my head !