Threads like these are helpful, helpful enough to be saved for later lest I struggle solely on the basis of not knowing where to go for a good enough venue. I appreciate finding it even if it's activity is questionable at this point.

I'm working through a pornography hang-over. It's not about the breach of gender politics, or the very much compromised human lives or sating a biological impulse which I left underdeveloped at the expense of , for the sake of x,y and z since I factor all that, that will augment the self-harming guilt and angst I'm not wanting to fall more into (hence the prepped camomille tea 'as my chaser').

I've needed to make a whole bunch of calls and message throughout this week given the hassle and angst of attaining a new phone, registration for a new number and word of that going out, not only to family members but all sources relying on 2FA methods. Overnight, I think I finally finished up the 'main batch' of contacts even though I was so busy on this earlier in the day before work that I disappointed someone who was expecting a dryer I was using to be emptied out sooner after it had finished.

At night time, I also tried doing exercises b/c I'm not feeling up to going to the gym unstrategically esp.given bus pass cost limitations. It was 'chair pilates' and I think to myself how much I love 'chair exercise videos' for making use of human movement even when one seems despondent enough to not go beyond seating.

Persisting in 20+ minute video, telling yourself that finishing in it will be one less chore even after 2:00+ a.m. is terribly tedious and leaves you restless. I'm restless enough that I want to 'redirect that energy' and to my chagrin pornography viewing is a very 'low effort' way to redirect energy. I'd want to at least say how 'I enjoyed myself' w/what 'qualifiably vanilla' fare I viewed, enough so that when I woke up, I went on it for a dozen+ minutes more before planning actions to mitigate the inevitable storm of regret and 'clothes tearing' on an otherwise gorgeous day.

Hence, I at least made a call to my cell phone carrier to at least have something 'useful' to talk about w/another living being and distance myself all the more promptly from what I did. I also might go to the second floor 'computer room/library' of my residence to web browse outside of my unit as a 'baby step' to going outside for a bit..there's that call I'm waiting back for and I'm not too sure I'm up to doing spreadsheet stuff beyond my apartment. Not only b/c of a paranoia of a commination-esque 'karma' incoming b/c of what I did but b/c the only libraries, I feel comfortable at are fairly far away which means I have to factor bus pass time limits and costs.

Spreadsheet stuff and cleaning. Deep cleaning of this apartment before it's inspection on the 7th. If I want it to rain heavy it's only b/c I want a reason to stay in my nice apartment when I can't be embracing the precious summer heat of an otherwise wastefully, painfully cold climate nation.

I don't want this long weekend to suck.