Ugh... this turned into a rant. I couldn't sleep and this was turning in my head. Sorry in advance.
Dunno what caused my depression, but it's definitely stuck with me all my life. Doesn't help that I have a genetic predisposition for it. So I had it at the start and it just got worse and worse, with multiple trigger points.
My mum's theory is that it's because my dad was an abusive, controlling fuck. I don't remember any of that, my parents divorced when I was four years old and my dad drove off to the other side of the country. (Funny thing is, in recent years, he's been more accepting of me in the short time I've been around him than my mum ever has. Ha.)
Then the idea is, maybe it's because I grew up without a dad? I mean, I have a stepdad but I've never had a heart to heart with him. He's the father of my brothers, but he's not mine. No reason to complain, though. He's a great guy and I get along with him well enough.
Was it because of school? I was an honours student all the way up to high school, and then it all went downhill. I never really did my homework and I never really picked up self discipline. Dropped out in 12th grade after almost overdosing, finished online, got into art school because damn if I wouldn't follow my dreams anyway....and I couldn't finish a single semester.
Maybe it's my social life! I made my first real friend in school in 9th grade. Before that was a nice collection of bullies and people taking advantage of me. And family friends I lost all contact with eventually. So I'm withdrawn, and I don't know how to keep friends, and on my bad days it feels like there's something inherently broken about me.
Maybe it really started in 2014! After wallowing in my college failures and loneliness for a few months, I debated on hanging myself. Sat outside in -30C weather in pyjamas. Had the noose ready and everything. Gave up, went home, got yelled at, took like ten of my antidepressants. Called 911, no one cared when they took me to the hospital. I thought I'd do this on my brother's birthday, just to spite my family. I'm an artist at heart, I guess.
I started going to therapy seriously after that. Ends up I'm one of those ADHD cases that slipped through the cracks because I'm a girl who's primary inattentive. Took two years for my mum to come around to that idea.
Right, my mum. When I was 16, she told me flat out that she had enough of my moods and that she's giving up on me and to not come to her with my issues. There went my only support. Then when I was 18, I got in a fight with her and she kicked me out for good, only for my step-dad to call and make sure I had a hotel to sleep in while things were getting figured out. I visit them every other week or so because they're the only people who I even really know, but every time my mother acts like she's the greatest fucking parent in the world, I get real damn angry. She taught me nothing, no life skills at all, then threw me out into the world and she claims my recent growth is her doing. Maybe that has something to do with it.
Then I guess there's the whole fact that literally my only sexual encounter so far has been when I nearly got raped by my drunk roommate last year. Can't even jack off properly anymore because my mind eventually wanders in that direction.
But see, I wasn't raped. And when my mum kicked me out and wanted me to PACK UP AND LEAVE NOW, she and my step-dad still helped me with finances. And the bullying in school never really got physical. So a part of my brain likes to tell me what I've been told all my life, other people have worse so suck it up and get over it.
But I can't. I sleep all day and rely on substances because I don't find joy in anything. I don't find video games fun, I don't find tv entertaining, but I go through the motions anyway so I can say that at least I did something today.
If I didn't have a job, I'd probably be dead right now because clocking in a few times a week is all that keeps me sane.
I'm moving to my dad's city sometime this year to get away from all of this, but it's tough. If you read it all umm.. thanks. Sorry. I'll probably be deleting this in the morning.