In the end I felt like I gave up too much stuff and he didn't give up enough. I was usually the one to compromise even if I didn't want to, because I loved him and wanted to do what would make him happy, even if it slowly chipped away at my own happiness. I didn't feel like he did the same for me.
I felt like I lost who I was. It was a lot of small things that on their own seem like a waste of time to worry about, but when you look at them all over the course of time, it piles up. When I was in the car alone, I would sing along to the radio and remember when I had friends who would do that with me, instead of get annoyed by it. My partner would sometimes get annoyed by my laughing, but others laugh along with me. I remember going shopping with people and diving through piles of clothes to find that one bargain, but he hated clothes shopping. I went shopping with my sister and again with a friend of mine and we were looking at food and romanticizing what we could cook. Plain bread or English muffins? Cheese or spicy fruit English muffins? It's the small things and I missed that so much, because I never did that with him. I usually shopped alone and literally got the same things every time that I knew he would like. I remember when people would visit and we would make a mess, but in the morning we would clean it up together, because we both made it. I've recently had friends stay who were more helpful and polite than my own partner was.
He was also vegetarian and complained if I cooked meat in the house. I went to the doctor recently and she asked me if I was vegetarian or vegan because my B12 count was very low. I said no, despite knowing I avoided meat so my partner wouldn't complain. The less I ate animal products, the less my body had to work with to create what it needed. My body has been struggling to convert food into energy, and my red blood cells are not carrying energy and oxygen properly. She said it can make me irritable and tired. If the month of daily B12 supplements don't boost me enough, I'll have to have an injection every week for 6 weeks to build the reserves back up. I'm so pale because I'm anemic, not because I just naturally look that way, which is what I thought.
Ultimately it's my fault. I was never vegetarian and never wanted to be. B12 only comes in animal products. I should have known that cutting meat and fish meant I should eat more eggs, cheese, butter and milk. But it didn't even cross my mind. I didn't stop because of my own beliefs or dietary needs, I stopped eating animals to make my SO feel better. So the house didn't smell because he would complain about "having to breath in particles of dead animals". So he wouldn't be mad "that I cooked meat in pans he used for his food too".
Now I'm single, I'm not going to change for anyone because I'm not a bad person. I am who I am. I'm not going to do things I don't want to do because my happiness matters too. I'm trying to find my voice, to say "no, I don't want to", because that is a valid reason in itself. I don't need a logical reason to say no. I don't need to give in over stupid things so someone else can feel good. They can fuck off and I will replace that person with someone who enjoys the things I do. I've been a lot happier focusing on me, and I hope the same for him. Being who I am is drawing the right kinds of people into my life. I fell out of love with him when it dawned on me that I was made to change who I am, in a way that meant I couldn't love myself any more either.