i hate the idea of living this conventional lifestyle, & can’t, or maybe just don’t want to say that i believe what i believe then go on living life for the most part, like anyone would.

It appears to me that a lot of people get stuck here. As if to say, "Ok, I have this view and model model of reality but how do I apply it? How do I live myself without following the leader?".

I would suggest that, first and foremost, you not declare your model complete.

Second, don't judge the life you live by what you imagine it looks like from outside it - what you imagine it looks like to others. You're human. You walk, talk, eat, sleep and, for all intents and purposes, appear human which to many means you're "just like everybody else" but that isn't even possible. Your interests, beliefs, objects of attention, experiences and general relationship with reality is unique. Everyone's is. Everyone looks alike, superficially, and a great many go to great lengths to look like everyone else or otherwise sort of fake "fitting in" at a superficial glance but they're not. Most probably don't deviate from the norm as much as you do - or will - but that's a comparative thing that bears no relevance, whatsoever, unless you force the issue with others. Or, unless it is actually a topic of discussion and that's entirely up to you, whether or not and with whom that happens.

Example: By appearances, to those who don't know anything of me, I look like everybody else but to those who have participated or otherwise perceived anything of my day to day life, I usually fall into one of only two categories. To some, I'm a a slacker. To others, I'm a workaholic. Regardless of what I'm doing, it can appear to be either of those, depending on who's perceiving what I'm doing and what, about it, has their attention. How can those two views be reconciled? I used to try to explain myself but it didn't help so I stopped and guess what happened - nothing. Reality filled that vacuum - and it was a vacuum because people did assume things that weren't true which compelled me to explain myself - a lot - so it was a significant vacuum but reality filled it right up with even more interesting things to explore. Nobody got hurt, nobody got mad and I doubt anybody even recognized, let alone remembers, that transition from hurricanes of yammering to short and concise communications and interactions.

So, again, when someone calls and asks "Watcha doin?", depending on who it is, I usually respond "nothing much" which is common and seems common and which is presumed to mean that I'm saying "nothing much" for the same reasons they would say it and assume anyone else would say it but...that's not the case. I say "nothing much" because if I talk about what I'm doing the juices flow and the conversation will end because flowing juices create new ideas that will then beg to be explored which means my next words will be, "Gotta go! Talk to ya later!" but, then, they will have to call again because we never got to why they called in the first place but, all that aside, assumptions are made but I don't even think about "clarifying" anymore, let alone waste time trying. Unless it's an actual conversation - like this.

That's as far as I've gotten so I'll read some more and probably yammer some more - then I'll delete all of this and, hopefully, you will take away your own unique perspective which will flow your own juices with regard to the actual existence of an infinite number of possible ways to live a customized, unique-to-you life while surrounded by people living mind-bogglingly boring lives - if you call that "living" which I don't know if it qualifies or not -