Well it's a long story but... When I was 16 my (then) girlfriend pushed my face away (playfully) and like my life flashing before my eyes all of these memories of abuse came flooding back, I remembered when my mother would smack my face repeatedly or when I was cry she would cover my face and mouth and stop me from breathing or when I would listen she would slam my head against a wall/door repeatedly.

When I was 20 my friends would talk openly and honestly about their interests, showing off to me their accomplishments and such, I eventually realized that the way I was living was completely wrong, lying about mundane things like what I'm actually interested in, what I'm proud of, etc, etc I realized that my mother used to call my names for anything, If I was into art I was a faggot, If I was excited and skipped she would call me a fairy, when I got into computers she would call me a geeky little twerp. I still struggle with this, I find it very hard to tell my fiancee or anyone else anything that is actually true for fear of exposing myself, telling someone "Yea, I'm making a robot" to hear myself say that I immediately feel vulnerable, ready to fight.

Anyway, I put these two fact together and realized that my entire emotional landscape is a wasteland and the reason I was/am the way I am with everything is because I'm still living in that imaginary universe I made when I was young to cope with what my mother was doing to me.