Picture of Shinsuke Nakamura unifying the IWGP Heavyweight Championships after defeating Kurt Angle

I'm covered inn sweat. You...you're taking this VERY deep. At first I thought your math might have been off because in 2004 that shitty manbag (which we can pretty much conclude that both men owned the EXACT make and model) was on sale during the week of President's day for $26USD instead of the 32 you quoted. But after going over your calculations at least seven dozen times, there's no errors. Your math is fucking flawless. HOWEVER, when I discovered that the shitty manbag was on sale during the week of President's Day my mind imploded after exploding from your calculations. I knew that the reason it was on sale that week is because in America, everyone knows that President's Day is best day to grow a goatee. The alignment of the Presidents creates a temporary portal in spacetime that when the FOUR seals are broken, a dark and powerful magic emits from it's depths; so powerful that only the FOUR HEROES OF LEGEND were capable of using its immeasurable power. This dark magic, sealed away long ago by the ancients, was said to bestow upon its wielder a beard of infinite power and wisdom. The beard, constructed by ancients under the spell of a dark lord that had the head of a goat, was considered "unnatural" and "an abomination of all that is holy" because it took the practicality of a well trimmed, professional looking beard and CONNECTED it with a sexy mustache. The beard was so powerful that it seemed to have a mind of it's own, corrupting those that attempted to sport it. It's unlimited cosmic dark matter magic power made it unstable and often caused entire worlds to explode. Now, back to the FOUR HEROES OF LEGEND. This is why your meticulous and careful and super smart math keeps leading you back to the number FOUR. The FOUR HEROES OF LEGEND might unveil a key to this whole conspiracy. I've taken all of your math, run it through a totally leet hacker program that turns really good math into a list of names. Of all the 2,016 (holy shit, that can't be a coincidence) names that popped up on the list, only four of these people had goatees. Stone Cold Steve Austin, Goldberg, That guy from Pawn Stars, and Guy Fieri. I could only then conclude that these must be the FOUR HEROES OF LEGEND. But there's one very important distinction that sets ONE of these FOUR apart from the other THREE. See, Stone Cold represents the element Stone (scientific name: Rock (Yea, I know, right?)) while Goldberg and the guy from Pawn Stars represent Gold and Gold, respectively. The only one that does is not of elemental essence is Guy Fieri. One could argue that he represents the element Food, but since Chili Dogs and Burritos are not found to occur naturally in any part of the world, I can conclude with ONE HUNDRED percent certainty that Guy Fieri may or may not possibly be Matt/Kyle. The one thing that is stumping me is the fact that you can tell Guy Fieri is without question a Time Warlock, by the frosted tips, flame shirts, chain wallet, and use of the phrase "off the chain." My theory is that his appearance is very fitting of the year 1999. 1999 is also the name of a Prince song which is considered to be...are you ready for this? It is widely considered to be a song that is the Greatest Of All Time. But wait, although it may seem that all roads lead to this one answer, there's more! Guy Fieri, starts with a G. He may or may not be obese, that starts with an O. He's a Time-warlock, that starts with a T. And Prince, he was formerly known as the Artist Formerly Known as Prince, which starts with an A. mix those FOUR letters together, what do you get? You're goddamn right. GOAT. I hope this message finds you with haste, and you have not yet been captured. Your math is of utmost importance to blowing the whole lid off of this shit. I must go now. When the dogs stop barking...that's when I worry. Til we see each other again, or fate brings us to drink at Odin's table in the halls of Valhalla, keep it real fam.

/r/SquaredCircle Thread Parent Link - i.imgur.com