Hey :) I am sorry for what you wrote down there. I don't know what you experienced in your past, that still haunts you to this day but life can be more than that. And you probably really need some change in your life because it seems like you don't see much sense in what you do at the moment. You need things in your life that feel like worth it, like sometghing you really enjoy doing and your friends, family or even your cat. Pets are generally really great friends, when you treat them right. May I ask what makes being alive longer so unatractive for you? I think you can always try to change something in order to get yourself nearer towards a better life.