Please read, I have lost hope.

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost the love of my life a year ago and she's been a plague to my mind ever since. Just can't understand why things like this happens at all. She even realised we were perfect too.

It wasn't long ago I consistently thought of suicide: blowing up my head with a grenade, jumping off a skyscraper, shooting myself in the head, etc. I was terrified of myself that I felt so comfortable with the thought of ending my life. I want to say I have the record of most "tall buildings in my area" searches on Google.

The biggest reliever for me has been cigarettes and alcohol, but only when accompanied by friends and curious strangers. I've always wanted to be more free, even when I was in my relationship with that girl, which is what I've been trying to do now. Fuck it, I know cigarettes are bad and alcohol too, but I just want to fucking live you know? I might as well try to do the worst things possible before I end my life. Becoming someone to remember, either as a substance abuser till the bitter end or something much more sinister.

The point is, even though my path seems pretty grim and dark, I haven't actually felt this happy and contempt before. I find alot of comfort in drinking with people. You don't need to say anything, because the substance catalyzes your chemistry with other people. The best thing I've done since we broke up has been to widen my chest for a killing blow from someone else instead of cowering in my lonesome cavern thinking of killing myself.

You should meet up with some friends and just hang out. Just ask them if you can tag along with them the next time they go out. It doesn't have to be about you. That is something I find very uncomfortable myself and is why I fucking hate graduation and birthdays. You will feel better, trust me. Eventually you will drop your mask when you are around them, they'll notice and take care of you in a way you feel much more comfortable with than just saying "I'm depressed". My "friends" know I'm depressed because of the way I act and not that I've told them. I've exposed myself several times now and it makes me more sure of my decisions. Not crying, just letting my guard down and feeling apathic.

Much love from me. Make sure to respond if you feel like things are getting worse and for status updates.

/r/SuicideWatch Thread