Please tell me(f18) it gets better...please for the love of god...

I read your post, OP, and it's like 18-year-old me wrote it. It gets better, OP. You are enough. Trust me on that, you're enough. You'll never be enough for your family, though. Not ever. N's are incapable of true happiness or true love. Stop trying to be enough for them because it will exhaust you, frustrate you, and ultimately bankrupt you emotionally and possibly financially (if your NMom is anything like mine). They tear you down because it builds them up. In reality, they're probably so powerless in their own lives that you're the only person they can express power over. That should make you feel better---your NMom and dad are so weak, that they have to bully a kid and then demand your love. That's sick.

Your EDad? At best a flying monkey, at worst an N in his own right. It took my NMom dying for my dad's full N flag to fly--I'd never realized my mother was so oppressively bad that she masked how awful my dad was. His constant criticism isn't because he "wants you to be better"(my NDad loved that phrase)--it's because he wants you to shut up and do what your NMom wants so it will make his life easier. End of story. He doesn't love you--if he did, he'd stand up for you.

I did the only thing that made sense and got the hell out as soon as I could. That's the best advice I can give you: get out. The sooner, the better. I moved into the dorms freshman year of college when I was 17 and stayed out. I found a wonderful boyfriend who became my family. His family became my family. I made wonderful friends who became my family. None of these people have ever treated me with as much ugliness as my birth family. They've never treated me with ANY ugliness. They actually LOVE me. It took me years to figure out what love really was because my family twisted it so much. It took me years to figure out who I was because I was so used to their words twisting my own perception of myself.

I moved to another state after college. It wasn't far enough to minimize the hurt my family tried to inflict, so I moved across the country. I am VLC with my remaining family and my life is the best it's ever been. Best yet? I barely speak to any of them and they STILL try to backstab me and talk about me. My GC/NSisters STILL spout b.s. my NMom said about me when I was 17 and refused to give her my paychecks I needed to pay for school (paid for everything myself)--and bring this up like I was the bad guy in that scenario. That was 20 fricking years ago. These are broken people, OP. N families are broken. The best thing you can do is to separate yourself from that nonsense as soon as you can and try to build a new and healthy life for yourself. It won't be easy, but it will be rewarding. hugs

/r/raisedbynarcissists Thread