> I have questions- my (f20) husband (m20) has brought up multiple times wanting to sleep with other people.
First and foremost, don't let your partner pressure you into making a decision like this. Opening up a relationship can be a truly wonderful thing, but it can also be very, very dangerous to the health of that relationship. In my experience, the couples I've seen have the most success in poly are ones where both partners chose to be poly due to INDIVIDUAL values rather than an attempt to please the other partner.
So, before you agree to anything, take a long hard look at your value system and determine if poly is an idea that could fit well with it.
> I feel like if he had the person he wanted he wouldn’t be looking for others.
This is a monogamous fallacy. Do we only have one friend? No. Most of us have a few different friends who we do different things with. It's the same with poly. One of partners, for example, doesn't like movies - I frickin' love movies, so when I want to watch a movie I'll watch it with my other partner who loves movies as well.
There is this story in monogamous culture that partners should be everything for their other partners. This is impossible. No one can ever be everything to one person. I'd say no one can ever even be *most things* to one person. It's not your job to be *anything* to your other partner except your honest self. Trying to be things that you are not for the sake of your partner is asking for resentment.
> how people do it without wondering if the other will leave them or if it makes them feel worse about themselves.
These are realities in any relationship, monogamous or not. Monogamy gives a false reassurance that your partner won't leave you, but the reported infidelity and divorce rates of monogamous relationships beg to differ. There is *always* a chance your partner will leave you. I can't tell you how others deal with this but the way I handle this reality is not to run from it or stick the fear in a closet, but to accept it, along with the idea that *I am enough on your own* and that if my partner does choose to leave, *I will be ok*. It will hurt, it will suck, but with the help of time, therapy and a support system, I will be ok.
> How do you make it work without getting jealous?
You don't. You make it work, while also working through jealousy. Managing jealousy is a skill, one that can be learned and improved upon. The resources for managing jealousy are vast - books, podcasts, articles, communities like this one, etc. In my experience, managing jealousy begins and ends with two very important things:
The first is accepting the idea that jealousy is coming from *my own fears* and that it is NOT my partner's fault that I'm feeling jealous or angry*. It's so important to move away from blaming your partner for YOU feeling jealous because it allows you to do the second important thing: non-violently communicating your fears to your partner and asking for reassurance. By not placing blame and accepting responsibility for your emotions you minimize the possibility that they will get defensive, and by asking for reassurance you can get what you are actually looking for (hearing that they still value you) without asking them to change (cancel a date, etc.)
> How do you maintain that feeling of loyalty and intimacy if you know they possibly are thinking about others?
Just like in mono relationships, you have to put in work to build and maintain a feeling of loyalty and intimacy. It's a little trickier in NM relationships because you don't have that implicit "loyalty boost", so you have to find other ways. Things like making sure you schedule date nights for just the two of you, taking small trips together, having a shared hobby, etc. These things build a kind of intimacy and loyalty that supersedes typical fears.
> Has your sex life with your partner decreased in anyway while sleeping or dating others as well?
I've seen it increase and I've seen it decrease. I'm not going to lie to you, in my experience, introducing new elements to a relationship, like other partners, will absolutely, 100% have an effect on the relationship between the two of you. Just like it would if you had a kid, or had a parent move in, or one of you got sick. It's inevitable that your relationship, including your sex life, will change if you choose to open up and it's impossible to say *how* it will change.
After my nesting partner and I opened up she discovered that she's heavily into kink. I discovered I'm very much not and it led to some issues between us for quite a while. I won't tell you that everything is honky-dory between us in that realm, but we love each other, we love our relationship and we continue to work on it through discussion and therapy. But do I regret becoming poly because it gave birth to this issue? No way. My partner is so much more fulfilled and happy after discovering this side of herself.
*everything I've said in this post is in the context of a loving relationship where both parties respect and abide the boundaries of the other partner. If one partner is dishonest or breaks a boundary without approval, feelings of anger from the violated party are *absolutely* justified.