33 female American convert here, converted three years ago. I love Islam but have been struggling a bit lately. I'm having a hard time reconciling my culture with the Muslim community.
I came to the religion after substantial search spanning 10+ years after the death of my mother to schizophrenia and suicide. Her life long struggle and what seemed like demonic possession had me searching religion and answers to what she called Shaytins. No other religion except Islam had those kinds of answers.
Also in my heart I always felt that God was One and even though I loved Jesus, I always felt he was a prophet, not God. I had a list of criteria that I was looking for in a religion and after it was suggested to me to read the Qu'ran (because I thought Islam was a terrorist religion) everything clicked and I sort of knew I had found what was looking for.
However, I had no idea how hard it would be to become part of the Muslim community. I wanted to accept a religion, not become an Arab.
Today I still pray and practice, but after 3 years of wearing hijab, I've taken it off so I can blend back in with my own community. Muslims seem to alienate white converts, seldomly return salaams, and sort of seem to be fascinated with us and hate us at the same time. Combine that with the crazed Islamophobia that has taken the country by storm and my job as a professional engineer seeming to suffer, I feel much safer with out hijab at this time. Maybe I'll wear it again in the future.
The Muslim community has been good and bad. I've met some of the most incredible and kind people and I've met some of the most racist and hateful people that are Muslims. I'm ultimately glad I found Islam before I found Muslims because I don't think I would have become one based upon how Muslims have acted around me.
Marriage literally seems impossible for converts over 30. I've talked to so many brothers and have been told that 33 is too old to marry, their mothers won't accept non Arabs, ect. I've had brothers try to marry me only for a green card and aunties offer green card marriages as well.
I thought I had finally found a good muslim brother online three hours away from me and after talking to him during this last Ramadan, we agreed to a nikah. As soon as Ramadan ended, he turned into someone completely different, no longer seeming very religious and I found out so much of what he had told me was a lie. He became very racist towards me, abusive and nasty, comparing me to ex girlfriends, making me look at porn photos of his exes, telling me I was ugly compared to them. It was awful.
Long story short, this "marriage" seemed more like a scam than anything. I'm out thousands of dollars and divorced three months later basically. Alhamdulillah that my Imam has agreed to give me khula.
I'm sorry but it's very depressing. I became muslim to find myself in between two worlds where I no longer fit into either one.
It truly feels like a lonely middle path.
I love Salah and don't think I could ever leave it, I'm still thankful for Allah choosing me to become muslim.