Is it possible to separate desire to be feminine and the sexual side?

Glad to hear I'm not the only one going through these feelings. With age I've become more comfortable with being feminine and take a lot more "risks" about being discovered - shave fairly regularly and don't care if people see my hairless legs. Have been growing my hair for nearly 2 years now and go out wearing feminine scrunchies and hair up in a high ponytail. Keep my nail polish and feminine accessories just on my bedside table for anyone to see. I kinda don't care too much anymore - but I'm still not 100% comfortable with being totally open about it. And I do try to be careful about being discovered, where possible.

Like you my main attraction to it all I think does come from a fetish - I love the idea of being dominated by a female, such as a girlfriend or a wife to be perfect feminine doll. Maybe find out she's bisexual and actually always wanted a girlfriend. Her leading the relationship and taking real pleasure from feminizing me. Any pushback from me causes her upset and that further encourages me to please her and keep our relationship healthy. Reading about FLR relationships is a huge turn on, stories, captions, ideas.

I do believe all of this is primarily linked to a sexual stimulation rather than myself being transgendered or unhappy with my gender. I like being a guy, I don't hate my cock or feel disgusted when I look down. I mean sure, somedays I do wish I had a feminine body and life, but I don't mind being a guy at all. I appreciate that it's actually a lot simpler being a guy than girl. If I was born a girl, I honestly think I would be so lazy I would barely do my hair or makeup, take much interest in fashion, it's just not really me. Though ironically being a guy and trying to dress up and pass as a girl I do need to be ultra feminine and pay attention to fashion and details.

However, without the sexual side of it, I don't feel any "reason" to be feminine, if that makes sense? The best way I can describe it is... let's assume I had a girlfriend and she knew about my feminine side. She's not bothered by it, in the slightest - she doesn't mind if I wear dresses and skirts round the house, shave, paint my nails, whatever. Not even a wink. Doesn't even mention it or say anything like "you look cute together" she just treats me exactly the same as both a man or woman - would I still be attracted to dressing and being feminine? Would I have a desire to dress around the house? For me I don't think there would be the same attraction there.

Also I feel incredibly anxious and awkward whenever my brother or step dad notices something feminine and then says something negative about it. Equally, I find it just as strange when someone says something positive about it - almost feels like they are reinforcing/approving of my fetish. In some ways it feels like a lose/lose situation, unless I do something completely unnoticed.

That's why I think there has to be a certain angle this whole thing comes from... usually a power play element. Whether that's a gf feminizing you, or the idea of a man using you as their sissy slut, being owned and denied from your body through chastity, taking away your masculinity. It's a sexual thing. I can't put on a pair of panties, a dress and a skirt without feeling horny. It's not a relaxing or casual thing. And even if try to de-sexualise it by getting into the habit of shaving on a regular basis, or keeping my nails painted, or wearing panties on the regular, it's not something I care or feel the "need" to do without that stimulation element. It's easier just to be a guy and wear something that's meant for our bodies and not going to cause any questions - wear a pair of tight panties that's not designed to hold a massive pair of balls and swinging cock, or a comfortable loose fitting pair of boxers? It's definitely sexier wearing panties, but is it practical?

I read an interesting book that suggests this all comes from some kind of childhood trauma. I believe it stated that it's psychological coping mechanism - sexualising the trauma allows you to control it. The fetish and desire comes in waves and engaging in it to get it out your system, as it were, is actually a positive thing as it acts as a release valve. Although my instinct is to reject this as trauma, as that sounds incredibly negative, it made a convincing argument and it was written by a professor with good credentials (can't remember his name unfortunately).

As much as I have tried to separate my feminine desires from the fetish side of it, ultimately I think it's simply not possible for me. At least that is to separate it and then retain the same kind of desire. If I do separate it, the thrill isn't there and I don't feel the "need" to dress or be feminine - why should I wear a skirt when I can just wear some shorts and not have any awkward questions from people? However if I imagine I'm wearing the skirt because my gf picked it out for me, or I'm a beta sissy and I need to lock my shorts away and only wear skirts from now on... well that adds to the stimulation and makes me want to do it. But again, that's kinda sexualising it.

Should mention that I am straight - but obviously all this stuff leads you onto the idea of exploring bisexuality. I'm in no way attracted to men, except the idea of pleasing one and being a sissy slut. I could never be romantically involved with a man. This makes being feminine on a regular basis even more complex because the act of looking and being more feminine is attractive to most men - which is something that makes me feel awkward.

In general, things I've discovered:

  • Staying away from porn, particularly anything that further encourages the fetish, massively helps. Although this is incredibly difficult for me.
  • Engaging in the fetish from time to time to release the feelings helps, but don't let it overtake your life
  • Socialise with your male friends, do "manly things" and keep a healthy balance between engaging in feminine things/mindset and a masculine one
  • Be mindful of "toxic" porn - things like hypnos, captions, sissy academy - these reinforce the fetish and make you want to go deeper. I'm guilty of watching them from time to time, but I try to stay mindful
  • Most comments on porn subreddits is from a thirsty guy and in sexually stimulated state - when you read comments from people on these porn subreddits be mindful that most are not in their usual state of mind when they write comments. So if they make suggestions or provide advice, be aware of their state of mind.
  • Don't feel ashamed if you want to be feminine some days, own it and just feel like a queen.
  • Nobody can tell you how you should live your life. People always ask the question "what's the meaning of life" - but that question is completely nonsensical. It's like asking "Does the colour purple have feelings?" - it's a perfectly valid sentence, but it's not a good question. There's no purpose to why we are here. There is no meaning of life, we just exist. The most useful way of answering that question is that we should have good experiences and do things we enjoy and find rewarding whilst we are alive. I do worry that when I hit 82 I'll look back and think that I've wasted my younger years when I could be exploring being feminine and enjoying things. That's my own demons I need to battle though.

I know that's a lot to decipher and it's probably just a load of waffle. Just a lot of thoughts spinning around in my mind. We're always evolving and trying new things

/r/sissyology Thread Parent