I have done ALL OF THIS, and I have given up because all of this requires something: someone who WANTS to work on their issues.

I appreciate the time you dedicated to write this post and it would have been great advice 2 years ago, but my reality is much worse.

There is no way I can see myself living this way for the rest of my life and he knows it, I am beyond the stages of OPSEC, lying or hiding (NOT shaming anyone who is doing it, been there, u gotta do what you gotta do).

The reason why I just let him be and help if he wants with what he wants, is bc every time I tried to set more firm boundaries it always back fired with abuse and passive aggressiveness. I believe that he is a covert narcissist and u cant reason an abusive person out of their entitlement.

Much of what /u/marriedscoundrel does has helped me greatly, way more than advice from even licensed therapists and I don't care if people OUT OF THIS situation call it toxic, they should live one week on my shoes and then tell me about what's toxic and what's not.

TLDR is that I believe that a lot of modern psychological advice is pure BS and even a psychiatrist I saw individually admitted that off the record, at the end the only person we can change is ourselves and my husband wants a wife who has carer fetish and I don't have that, so I may be a forced carer now out of necessity but I do have an escape plan hence the no day off thing bc I need money if I ever want to get out.