Been weird. I have been dispassionate towards a lot of things, but still letting them happen and reacting - but who is reacting? There have been emotions, both positive and negative, but mindfulness has managed them and again I think there has been a sense of dispassion.
It feels hard to make decisions, well, kind of impossible in a way. I know some characterise this at certain points of awakening. Everything is just happening. Can watch the body go about things. I don't know if the centre has dropped out or not really, mind kind of rejects the question 'where am I' as unnecessary. At times everything feels as if it's floating around, at other times, just limitless (as in, no sense of size) space. 5th jhana doesn't make sense to me so much any more (at least, what I saw as 5th jhana before) as I don't feel so far from that day to day. I know a while back different senses were loosening their sense of the observer; sight and thoughts were the holdouts I think. Now, I don't know, it's kind of hard to focus in on any one point anyway.
Been doing a lot of meditating on the mind and it doesn't make sense, in a sort of 'well maybe this is how it's supposed to be' sort of way - which has been a cause for conscious doubt, yet unconsciously there's a sense that I'm doing what's right - yesterday the thought arose, clearly, 'There is nothing to meditate on and no one to meditate'. A sense of giving up? Letting go?
As I say I have been experiencing turbulence but in a sense it's all had a sense of detachment to it. Not taking it personally. At one point I was frustrated that thoughts were still arising as I guess I thought they were all supposed to disappear - but then I realised, prompted by reading some of Jeffrey Martin's stuff, that 'I' related thoughts have really dropped down. Other narrative thoughts still arise.
Half my sits are in jhana and I enjoy exploring the different types (everyone has an opinion on jhana and there is no one answer) and pulling together the bits that feel right for me. Going in through what I feel is the breath nimitta. Found this post by Culadasa 10 years ago interesting!