Been raised in a predominantly white and Asian environment (this is who I’ve seen in my environment for most of my life really.)

I am from a low income family. My father is an alcoholic who is notably unintelligent and my mom is an overweight toxic woman who never healed from her childhood trauma. My older brother is in rehab. I am miserable.

I am always exhausted (I look really tired) and itchy.

I guess that I’m maybe most attracted to black and white guys, but the white guys who I tend to like physically are average or a little above it.

My one boyfriend in junior year who I now mainly feel indifferent toward was a dark skinned black boy (if you are black or familiar w “dark skin” and “light skin” within the black community.) The relationship started our great, ended up being terrible. He lost interest as it became toxic (he blamed me for this even though he disrespected my sexual boundaries.) He has an IEP but I hadn’t cared about that. We started talking more because I tried to comfort him when he was depressed

I have received attention from black men when walking down the street (like when i went to the nearby city) I think because they liked my body. I remember when I visited my ex boyfriend’s city around January-February an older white man gave me flowers (he hand picked them, think he was on drugs) with some Gatorade and had said I looked nice

I have admitted in therapy to feeling resentment toward black men. I have had some negative experiences w black boys/men even within my own family and have recently started to notice colorist comments from black boys at my school more

I also remember in sophomore yr after I grew a butt an older white man who I think was someone’s father or grandpa actually asked me how old I was and looked disappointed when I turned around. A white boy had also asked me out technically in junior yr a month after my ex and I were done but I was wearing a mask so I think he liked my body

I am bisexual and had my longest crush in 9th grade on a half black half white boy who sounds like eazy e and was “dumb” (had a 1.5 GPa) but looks visibly mixed

The last time I liked an Asian boy was in 4th grade (he doesn’t appeal to me physically anymore, but is a nice guy.)

I had a crush on a half white half Asian boy in 6th grade (he ended up dating this white girl.) He’s a little overweight now, and actually doesn’t look like what the typical half white half Asian boy in my environment looks like (at least not to me. He looks a little more white.)

I am aware of the fact that lighter skinned people are perceived as being more attractive and that there are benefits to being light skinned (more likely to be hired for jobs, that sort of thing.)