I'm having an issue with my son that I'd like some other parents perspective on... Two facets of the same issue, actually.

My son is 7 years old and he spends half his time with me and half with his mother.

Recently, he has been having accidents in his pants. This has been going on for several months. He doesn't fully poop in his pants, but he seems to get distracted and can't tell the difference between passing gas and actually passing something solid. He will end up running to the bathroom after he realizes he has just used the bathroom a bit in his pants, and he generally sits on the toilet, goes poop and takes a shower when it happens. It's embarassing for him, and I often notice that he makes it to the bathroom at the very last minute, or tells me he has to go in the car at the very last minute. I would say that he probably has an accident once every other day.

Of course, this is something that I'm going to speak with his doctor about, as I feel that perhaps it's a fiber issue, and things are just too runny down there...or on the other hand, perhaps he's constipated, and when he tries to pass gas it creates an issue... I don't know.

Here are the two things I'd like perspective on:

Has anyone else dealt with this? How did you help your child learn to realize when he had to go to the bathroom? I've pretty much told him that he's having a hard time telling the difference between needing to pass gas and needing to use the bathroom, and that he needs to just assume that it's always solid until he learns to tell the difference. I try to be very accepting and not get frustrated, especially since I know he's not doing it on purpose and it's hard on him as it is. However, it doesn't happen at school...it seems to happen most when he's zoned in to something. He's a smart kid, literally a gifted kid who scored super high on his IQ tests and was put in a special gifted program, so this is something that is affecting him deeply and he gets frustrated with himself. I feel like me being frustrated with him is only going to make it worse.

This leads me to the second thing I have an issue with. He called me this morning and told me he had an accident over at his mother's house. Her response? To punish him...specifically telling him that his punishment is that she and her husband were going to order his favorite dessert at the restaurant they are going to tonight, and they were going to eat it in front of him and not let him have any. This isn't the first time...I've heard stories about her punishing him for having accidents all the way back to when he was actually potty training. Am I wrong to think that she is wrong to treat him like that? She doesn't give a rats ass what I think, and has never been open to parenting advice. I am considering emailing her (so that there will be a record) and recalling my conversation with my son and telling her why I think it's wrong to treat him like that, but I fear that it's just going to create backlash for him. I really would just prefer to help my son deal with this issue and learn to listen to his body better...without having to get into a knock-down drag-out with his mother because of her feelings of inferiority when it comes to parenting...which is why I plan to bring up the issue in front of a doctor.

Any advice on the main issue OR the issue of dealing with inappropriate/unnecessary punishment would be greatly appreciated. I know that he isn't doing it on purpose (although yes, a little more presence of mind on his part would help, but I have already raised one gifted child...they tend to zone out...) and I just don't think that punishing him (especially in such a vindictive and spiteful way) is appropriate.