I absolutely understand that. For me, I really wish I could convince my partner to focus on engaging in the moment, I really don't need anyone to 'perform' for me, all I want is the genuine care that I give to him at least a little bit reciprocated.
I have talked to him dozens of times (if not more) and encouraged him to talk to me as well (he does have trouble expressing himself like you said, I can't count the amount of times this issue has come up, it's like no matter what I do I can't get him to bring up anything serious, ever) . I had a high libido and he had a low one, I gave him blowjobs constantly but he never wanted sex and I began feeling extremely hurt and rejected, so I basically turned myself into a robot and over time I killed my libido for him. he has severe depression that he refuses to get help for and our relationship is a disaster so that is a whole other matter entirely. We are basically only together now because we have no one else, and we are more like roommates than anything else. I don't expect good sex or sex at all anymore.
I am also one of the rare ones that can come easily (from penetration alone). I have made it as easy for him as possible, and I know I was the first one in his life to give him blowjobs (when I learned to deepthroat for the first time with him it was amazing. I loved our sex life in the beginning. even though I could have done it 10x more. even though it was always me giving and him taking more, I enjoy giving).
I wanted the sex to 'keep getting better and better,' that is what I thought would happen the more I gave, but it was like...I don't know, this bled into every aspect of our lives, like I loved giving him gifts and things like that all throughout the year, just random little special things, then he would forget my birthday entirely and not get me anything (I would have even loved just a note or a flower off the side of the road). he often talks about things 'not even occurring to him,' fortunately he got a little bit better with gifts and remembered my birthday this year. but on every other front it is the same.
we are more friends than lovers at this point. but we've kind of accepted that. we never pressure each other. but I'm never into having sex because i Know it will never be regular and my vagina always has to get used to things.
I don't want to have a finnicky vagina, I apologize to all men who are apparently offended that vaginas need extra caressing or care or something (even the 'easy' ones like mine), but it is a strange creature haha, and it needs to adjust sometimes. (is that why people are downvoting me? I honestly have no idea)
if sex is uncomfortable for someone's vagina, time and time again, they are not going to enjoy having sex obviously.
I just wish...I just feel like guys want the easiest thing, that my boyfriend would have sex if it were more 'easy,' but it is never work in my mind all of it I want to do, to experience it all with him, and I just think it's these two entirely different perspectives that clash...I have never required him to do more than me or hardly really do anything at all. I just wished, in the past, when all of this was salvageable..that maybe he would go down on me every once in a while (instead it was like a 50 to 1 ratio of me giving blowjobs to him going down on me) or learn how to finger me more gently (I have communicated this to him but it's like he's deaf) or anything that shows me he wants to seduce me/care for me in that way.
I don't want sex to be about performance for either party. I just want us both to be into giving to each other, entirely. I want a partner that would be excited to try new things, and wouldn't approach videos like this like they were a test or something intimidating or demanding.
I have read so many things on /r/sex and even read posts with him and tried to be a better partner, but my boyfriend has never once done any research or any of that for me. and you know, that's okay at the end of the day. I can lower sex on my priority list, I can knock it all the way to the bottom for him. but I will always profoundly miss and crave a reciprocal sexual connection.