Query Critiques -- The Return

Wow this is awesome.

I'm going to nitpick, cause that's kind of my thing.

disclaimer: not a pro, I'm an asshole, blahblahblah... take what helps you, and leave the rest.

Cornucopia’s got hundreds of worlds, four different orbital axes, and a design so perfect that tin-foil conspiracy theorists think it was made by aliens. But no matter how perfect, and no matter how many planets, there’s one thing that just hasn't changed:

People still love getting high.

This is awesome. Seriously.

Nitpicks: "still" sounds better than "just". It might be even more fitting if it were something that will "never" change.

no matter how perfect, and no matter how many planets,

That's a little awkward.

Anyway, this is an amazing intro. I'm a little in awe. :)

On Montressor, Whiskey Riser’s their guy.

Whose guy? Is he "the guy"?

Also, is Montressor one of the planets? I'm reading it as Cornucopia is a galaxy and Montressor is either a planet (more likely) or a solar system (less likely) in that galaxy. But I had to stop and think about it to figure that out.

That doesn’t catch him much attention from the law, but being a pirate does.

This is so amazing. I was just getting comfortable, still into the story, but comfortable that I knew what was coming and then BAM, pirates!

See, the best designs for life-saving drugs hide in the vaults of hospitals

You don't need the word "See" here. I'm salivating for your story. Don't pull me out of it by drawing me into conversation.

The best designs for life-saving drugs hide in the vaults of hospitals

Also, why specify "life-saving" if they are used for getting high? Did I miss a transition?

like a futuristic Robin Hood

See, people? See this? This is when it's okay to break the rules. When it's RELEVANT to the story.

with a much stupider name.

If you're going to adjective, give it some oomph. Stupid is a weak word.

He can’t help that: he was named after a lab-mouse.

I will leave my SO for you right now. (not really) (My SO made me say not really) (not really)

LongArm law enforcement corporation

Nitpicky. Is "law enforcement corporation" part of the name (need to capitalize it) or description (might need clarification)

to the Drs. Paul and Anne Riser,

1) Thanks for using the correct pluralization. I know it's a tricky one.

2) you do not need the word "the" here.

where Google doesn’t just tell him to give up.

... This pulled me out for a sec. They have Google in a different (similar) galaxy? With the exact same name? I mean, you might be able to pull it off. Judging from this query, you can. But it's risky. Just something to think on.

a tricksy pirate

Seriously. Hit me up ;) (not really)

Science Fictional romp

I don't know how I feel about "-al" here. It kind of fits with your style, but... Is it not true sci-fi for some reason? The "-al" here feels like an "-ish". "Reddish" rather than "red", if that explains it...

aimed at the 16+ crowd.

I was reading it as more college-aged...

I've been featured in

As in, an article on you, the author? Or your stories? If it's your work, say it's your work. Details matter.

on Reddit.Com and

It's stylized (officially) as reddit not Reddit. It's appropriate to do so here, unless it's the first word in a sentence. Again, details.

and have always appreciated the help you gave people

BLATANT ego stroking. Will depend largely on the agent. Some would be turned off by this. Probably will work on Biff. ;)

It's also a bit weak -- what kind of help?

making you a natural choice for someone to start a partnership with.

awkward phrasing toward the end. I'd try:

of someone with whom to begin a partnership.

Wait, no, that looks all stiff and not like you. :/

making you my natural choice for beginning a new partnership.

Oh that's better. Tweak that, maybe.

I look forward to working with you,

Me too. Send me the story. :D

Oh wait... :(

/r/writing Thread Parent