Christ. I was responding to this very thoroughly on my iPad and it died mid-way through response #3. So, forgive me if this is half hearted...

1) Yeah... I did. I don't know why. I wasn't drunk, either (which was a rarity back then). She was a virgin at EVERYTHING (kissing, basic touching, book learnin') and she really approached it with the innocent genuine interest of a child at a petting zoo.

"Does it hurt when I stretch it?", "OMG can you push it inside of you?" "why is it moving on it's own!". She was also texting her BF the results for some reason. It was very strange and somehow I didn't manage to cum. If only I had some sort of lazy KKK wife fetish.

2) It was HAIRY. But, that wasn't really the problem. In and of itself. I expect some hair, I'm not holding people to some standard I (and my 6 haphazard attempts at wiping each session) don't reach myself.

But the hair itself was wiry and thick. Like yarn coated copper wire. At first I thought she had accidentally sat on a hedgehog. Nibbles No! I screamed in my head.

To make matters worse, after she bent over she laughed and said "Enjoy the view?" and came over to try to rub my wein-der through my smelly sweatpants. But, little did she know that it had entered the quantum realm aside Ant-Man and The Wasp.

I know this sounds really fucked up. In more ways than one, but I mean as some sort of super superficial chauvinist. And that very well may be true. But she was a terrible, terrible person and really messed up my brains. So, I need to poke fun to rationalize that I wasted my basic prime (20-25/6, 6'3, 185lbs, full head of hair, asymmetrical face that confused facial recognition software to the point of making airport security cameras burst into flames, good earner).

I immediately thought of that legendary forum post that dude made about shaving his asshole. I wonder if the girls you "assisted" (they have the internet in jail?) had the same problem? Seems like a slippery slope. That sounds extra gross considering the context. Or a great add campaign for that poop yogurt Jamie Lee Curtis eats. "Slippery slope? Try new Strawberry Flavored stool thickener!". God, I need to go to sleep.

3) Surprisingly, I did not. And I was TERRIFIED of it. It was this awful cycle of drunken behavior I knew at the time I'd regret to the point of getting 5th opinions from doctors about microscopic skin textures, but I did it anyway. Then, during my frantic online searchs about STD's I saw someone say that they avoided getting herpes from their wife by washing themselves with hydrogen peroxide and warm water afterwards, as it kills the virus.

So, there are many stories here but the worst one was that my mom somehow hooked me up with the girl that ran the deli at my parents neighborhood grocery store. Her and my mom always chatted, and she gave the girl my number. So, I remember texting her, and riding shotgun in my own car to go pick her up. Jesus took the wheel. He was this Nicaraguan I met while busing tables at Jax Cafe in MPLS...

I don't remember anything else. But, I woke up, on my couch, spooning her, we were both naked only from the waste down. I said "did we have sex?" (durr?) she said "what? good morning to you too! and yes, we did, silly". I said "did I wear a condom?!!?!?", she said "at first, but you kept ripping them off and throwing them across the room" (I glanced around the room and saw one stuck to my 56" rear projection HD TV)... So I figured, "If i'm gonna worry about this for months, I might as well remember it", and I re-inserted. And then sat up, picked up the bottle of vodka on my coffee table, drank as much as my gag reflex would allow and went upstairs to take a "shower".

Ugh. So, I was standing with my shirt in my mouth (to hold it up), one leg in the bath tub, one leg out, the shower running over my junk, and I, under the direction of the hair of the dog that bit me, started pouring pure hydrogen peroxide on myself.

I left the door slightly ajar, and as the semi-seering pain of the peroxide hit my Glans, she opened the door and said "What company?"... The combination of the pain, the embarassment and me opening my mouth and letting my favorite Randy Moss T-Shirt get covered in peroxide and penis made me shout "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!".

I was truly just embarrassed. I mean, I couldn't just say "Hey, I considering you a high risk disease carrier, so I'm trying to kill whatever I think you're clearly carrying!". It was bad. I felt bad. She didn't say a single word on the way home. And immediately texted me when I dropped her off "I think we should just be friends"...

She quit the grocery store that day.

I was a really, really bad person. I drank too much. I was mean. I treated women like garbage (but to be fair, I treated men like garbage too).

I am reformed. But, there is value in remembering this stuff. So I don't fall back into old patterns and do things that no one does. It can be entertaining, from a distance. And always cracks people up in group, and stuff. But, don't take my way of writing as me absconding my responsibility for being a complete fucking dirtbag.