From an article I linked to a couple of days ago:

Soon I graduated, sold my book, and left Austin with my girlfriend and Pavlov for Manhattan, where she would work 20-hour days shooting her film, and where I would have an inexplicable meltdown. Inexplicable may be the wrong word. There are always explanations. Manic depression, for one. It’s just that explanations in these matters rarely feel complete. ~ Thread+ article link.

There are always explanations. Our mind has evolved to search for patterns and construct narratives; ask anyone who has has BPI. For me, the acid test is how well I function in life; the answer in my instance is "not very well." I believe in agency so there are always going to be reasons

Good to clean up your life and good to work with resolving your anxiety. You can always try a different psychiatrist later FWIW I went through three who pretty much instantly labeled me as BP. despite that (and plenty of warnings) I still doubt my diagnosis, I still try to heal myself using so called natural therapies, and I have a stop / start relationship with medication.

Although it can feel like a tattoo to the face, the diagnosis is ultimately there to help you. Life is both short and precious — it is worth doing everything in your power to live it as best you can.

So called neurotypicals do not go around constantly wondering about their diagnosis

All the very best...

PS Being bipolar does not mean being "consistently shitty." People's cycles vary from ultra circadian to several years in length. In my instance the cycles seem to be about a year — At the end of a cycle my mood becomes more and more brittle; s omething triggers me and I flip within half a day. Although I suffer from depression, hypomania is a bigger problem and because it is for such extended periods, I still hope to tame it using a minimum of meds.