3. Questions about understanding from others and emotional states

Questions about understanding from others and emotional states

So, this breaking point... is from life. Not from the N's directly. I'm totally tipsy, please forgive me... I've had a fucking week omg....

My empathy meter.... it broke. I felt too much for too many. I used surrogates for my emotional outlets. I let my grief pour out but upon unrelated people.... I grieved for those who's grief was reasonable in the minds of the greater society to hide the grief I felt was shameful.

I seek out moments where I can feel pure joy surrounding the most insignificant pieces of existence. Clouds. The leaves changing in the fall. An unexpected insect on a leaf... a snake in the grass... I'm not exaggerating... I seek out joy in the tiniest places... just to get by....

My breaking point came at a time when I realized that the things I considered common decency were not things that everyone considered at all. That respect was not an inherent focus among fellow humans...

I stopped presenting myself as meek and kind... I started to stand up for myself and demand that others recognize that sacrifice matters... and that it is reasonable to expect respect for the level of sacrifice one endures in order to protect another's sense of justice...

But that is so wrong... It doesn't matter.... the truth matters. and respect matters.... and it matters that I will give of myself until there's nothing left to give simply because I know I can... that it matters that I will be loyal for loyalty's sake... that I will be firm in my boundaries and confident that I've chose them carefully enough to know that I'm not only being reasonable but wise and cautious....

I'm tired.

I'm tired of the vigilance. I'm tired of wearing this mask... I'm nice... but I'm not helping. I'm not hurting... I make a point to not hurt.... But ultimately... am I helping anyone by keeping the blunt truth to myslef?

Maybe what I meant is that you described the result of the transition from my mindset from 8 years ago to today. I am so Jaded I can hardly comment on anything with out feeling incredibly guilty and sad that I "know the truth"/// FUck I am a.... bit drunk, truthfully. Iv'e realized recently that I really need to see my therapist weekly.... fuck..... omg..... ugh... I will post this... simply because... it is real... and unedited... :(

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