The girl I dated in Lancaster, she was nine. It was her mom's boyfriend. A few years later she tried to tell her mom and she told her that she was lying and that she was a whore. They put her on Ritalin. Most people wouldn't believe any of it. But I always can tell. The same way I could tell with Julian, the guy I was staying with when I was homeless. He was an asshole, but he was a good guy too in some ways. When he looked at me from across the bench in their yard and told me he was horribly abused I didn't even have to think about it. I knew. Why do I always have to know. Do you know how upsetting it is when you can see it happening. You can't prove it. But you know it's there and you can feel it. That's why I cried over Kelsey so much. She was the person that helped me understand things for the first time. That last night at summer camp when we were running around together in the dark, I was still out of touch with my emotions at that point, I was just starting to figure things out, and I told her that she was lying when she told me about really awful things. She was furious with me. And bounced right back to being my friend again a second later. I cried and cried and cried the whole way home. My mom was sympathetic but my stepdad treated me like I was stupid. I realized that she was telling the truth. And that I had been a terrible person to her by saying otherwise. I'm fucked up now. I didn't have to be this way. If I wasn't treated the way I was for what happened with us... But now I have to feel so much shame. I just wish it would go away. I don't want that. I know it's not real. I just wanted you. I was only a kid. I am so sorry.