Everything is just so confusing and I don't know what to believe. I told everything to the therapist that talked to me while I was in hospital for my attempt too. Talked about how D said I pushed him away and everything. And apparently the therapist told my mum, "He's guilty about something he doesn't need to feel guilty about."

Last night, when D said all this to me, it was during an argument & emotions were very high. He did call me a rapist outright. This morning now that we've calmed down he's agreeing I was also a victim & that I didn't know what I was doing, that C did this to both of us. There are so many up and down emotions.

I feel like such a horrible shitty person for even suggesting this but is there at all a possibility that the situation is different from what I think it is? The adults that I've told think I was a victim too. Me and D's mutual best friend, who's heard everything from both of us, thinks I was a victim too. D's now saying I'm a victim too, even after fully calling me a rapist last night.

Given I remember practically nothing about that night my stomach is just completely twisted up from the uncertainty. I don't know what I was in that scenario. I don't.

And I don't know why D would have sex with me and date me and say he didn't say no and then he did say no and then I'm his rapist and not a victim and then I'm a victim.

I feel like I'm just being dragged everywhere.

I want to believe that my mum's right, and the therapist is right, and D, right now and not last night, is right. For my sake. But for D's sake I want to believe how he is when he's most upset.

It's awful.