and I think I need to tell him we’re over.
Take care with this. If you pull the eject lever you're unlikely to come back from it. Those aren't words you can negotiate away later.
I see too many people, women often, who think breaking up is just another way to disrupt and leverage the situation to get something that the actually want, hoping a boulder will actually crack.
If you try to change your decision later, you'll almost certainly regret it.
Do NOT expect the guy will actually change his mind or his behavior if you tell him you're leaving.
He won't, he'll just lie and pretend he cares for a few weeks until he thinks he's successful reset your clock for leaving. If you're looking for lies and empty promises because you want to feel a little better right now, there's a price for that.
Now, option 2) here is to tell him you're feeling ready to break up over this but to threaten nothing.
Tell him you don't see the relationship lasting more than a few weeks into the future at this point. You will be seeing a relationship counselor on Monday at 5 or whenever. Whether or not he shows up is completely up to him but there are going to be some tough consequences and really hard discussion for either showing up or not doing so. You understand if he chooses not to show because it's not going to be a pleasant conversation for anyone. What both of you are doing simply isn't working, and if he thinks everything is cool and fine in the relationship then denial isn't something you're offering any more. You're fed up.
Then tell him you're not looking for a response today. Tell him if he has something to say about this, then you want to hear it in front of the counselor. Until that time you don't really believe what he says, considering the circumstances. You might listen but you're not going to take anything he says at face value
The other option is to actually pull that lever.
If you've ever been sailing, the first thing they'll tell you is you only abandon ship if you're confident the boat will be heading to the bottom in the next 5 minutes. If you aren't confident, you grab all the emergency gear and flotation you can find and lash it together. Then continue bailing out water. A boat that's gradually sinking is a better option than the open water. Bailing for 48 hours nonstop while you try to make some windage is a better option than open water.
So if you do pull the eject lever It's all out, and try to distance yourself as far away from the crippled wreckage as you can. Ships have been known to create downward suction currents that drag down swimmers. Don't go back. Don't look back. Don't discuss or argue your decision. Don't listen to his arguments.
Do not play the Hysterical Bonding. Game. Do not indulge in Reset Sex.
Just don't sleep with him, period. Don't believe any promises by him to change. They were made under duress. No promises are better than promises under duress.
Do not pay attention to his attempts to Hoover you back into the relationship.
Attempting to climb back into the cockpit afterwards because, you think things have leveled out, you made a mistake, and you might just be able to fly out of this, isn't productive. What this does it just make the crash take a little bit longer.
Understand that. If you're ready to eject, you need to act with complete purpose and confidence in doing it. What he says doesn't matter. Act first and get to the ground, then talk about it later. Otherwise you're going to get hurt more.
Decided to do something totally different, no sex,
If this wasn't about secretly hoping you'll get pity/obligation sex out of the bargain, then I'm a monkey's uncle.
but going all out to just show him how much I love him and want us to work.
I think this is less about "us" and more about you wanting something specific from him, which you believe you can't simply ask him for.
Got lots of food and decided to make all his favorite things, oysters, lobster and some complicated side dishes he enjoys. All the while he’s sitting on the sofa in his pajamas. I take a long shower, shave, put on nice perfume, make-up and a pretty dress, jewelry he gave me and come down again.
This is called Love-Bombing. It's a common Deceptive Sales Tactic. Religious cult groups are notorious for this.
It's not necessarily bad in some contexts, but not when you're not acting in good faith and expect something to happen that you think the other party wouldn't agree to, otherwise.....
Start setting the table, put on candles, and he suddenly seems to see how dressed up I am.. and instead of going up and dressing up himself,
Did you ask him to put on something nice?
Because if not, you expecting him to read your mind and understand your wishes without saying so is more than just naive. Expecting mind-reading ability in others often tends to boil down to self-sabotage and artificial helplessness.
So if you find yourself asking "I don't understand why they didn't do XYZ? They should have known what was coming and done it immediately."
The answer is, they didn't do it because nobody explicitly asked them to do it in detail.
he just asks why we aren’t eating in front of the TV... and subsequently makes no effort to even ask to help set the table, cook or get dressed.
The guy wasn't born yesterday.
He has a good idea you're trying to butter him up here and are trying to prove something. He doesn't care. He knows it's going to be either you asking for sex or else an argument at the end of the night. He's just not interested in playing that game.
It’s not just him not meeting my needs in the bedroom.. he just takes me for granted,
Do you often cook for him, without some ulterior motive or desire to make a grand statement and proving how much you really love desire him? Do you do it just because you want to have dinner with him, you enjoy cooking and serving food and doing those kind of acts of service?
He didn't ask you to make him dinner and didn't ask or imply that you should get dressed up. He ate the food that you offered and thanked you for your efforts.
I suspect being taken for granted isn't the major issue here. I'm not saying that he does or he doesn't. However him not wanting to play by your rules this particular night isn't being taken for granted.
The issue would be, a dysfunctional desire for other people to validate you. It's ok to want a little validation sometimes, it's ok to feel validated when it's offered. But you have to ask the right people for that.
You also need to understand that validation has to come from within, first. If you're not willing to give yourself a pat on the back for your own efforts, then other people doing so tends to be a unsatisfying.
It results in, your words, feelings underappreciated and taken for granted. Of course a lot of that has to do with not appreciating one's own efforts.