Well it isn't as if I actively avoid dudes. It's just that I don't click with dudes. Never have. Except one super gay dude, he was really cool, still talk to him sometimes. It's not explicitly being female, just more being feminine. I get along with guys, not like I run off whenever they're around, but I just feel uncomfortable talking with or around masculine people.
I saw a psychologist for like 3 years or so after leaving my mother, but that didn't really do anything. I was like 14 or 15 and really had never socialized with anyone at all (never went to school or had friends or anything, which is why my social skills are so shitty now. Can't learn social skills if you're kept out of social situations for the first 14 years of life.) so I wasn't so concerned with girls, since I'd never been with one. But I did learn pretty quickly that I'm only comfortable around feminine people (which I just refer to as girls because 99.9% of the time that's who I'm referring to since dudes are the exception) and talked to the psychologist about it, but she didn't really give any input on it other than why I'm like that.
It's hard to explain but it's not all about sex. This complex or whatever it is isn't as simple as "have sex = cool and worthwhile." Basically my main goal is a close romantic relationship, sex is secondary to that, but sex can also be a stand-in for that. I fully expect breakups and whatnot to happen, I'm still young and though I've got a very good idea where I want life to go, I have no clue where it will end up going, and pretty much anyone I'm going to be with is going to be in the same boat. Things are going to change and all that. If I were hypothetically to get married, a strained marriage is still a marriage. Assuming it doesn't lead to divorce, I'd get through it. Even if it did lead to divorce, I'd get through it. I'm super resilient. And attractiveness is relative, if I were a fat slob I'd have no problem being with a fat slob, just like when I'm an old coot I'll have no problem being with an old coot. It's only because I know I'm around an 8 or so (according to a few different people in real life and /r/rateme too) that my standards are so high right now.
It's like, I know I'm physically attractive, I know I'm doing well financially, I know I dress well, I am regularly making strides towards achieving my dream, which I'm already living to some extent. Basically, on a purely superficial surface level, disregarding the huge deep-seated flaws I've got like the one I'm talking about right now since I keep them hidden in real life, everything about me is pretty damn good except for my poor social skills, and even those are really only bad when I'm trying to form any non-business relationship. Once I'm friends with someone or in a relationship with someone, it's all good in the hood. But unless I'm in a romantic or sexual relationship with someone, or I'm behind the DJ booth, I worry that I'm a total loser of some sort and my self-esteem goes to shit. I see other dudes with girlfriends, dudes who aren't as handsome as I am or dudes who don't dress as well as I do, dudes I'd generally consider to be losers, and it makes me feel even worse about myself. And it reminds me that my social skills are terrible and I've got huge flaws like this and some other ones that are more personal. But when I'm with someone, I can kinda forget about all that, sweep it under the rug, and pretend it's not there until the relationship ends.
I might go see a psychologist, maybe. I've got good enough insurance that I can go see one outside of school. It would probably be extremely good for me now that 1 I'm older so they'll take me more seriously and 2 I'm a lot more aware of my problems than I used to be. But I never really got how just talking about my problems could solve them. Help me understand them better, sure. Even just this conversation has done that. But actually solving them seems like a much bigger feat.
Anyway, I'm going to head to bed now, thanks for the conversation and actually being understanding/reasonable.