Real Consequences for showing emotions

I genuniley believe that people want men to express our emotions more. At least most people, as there is always going to be a portion of traditionalists and 'realists' (being people who don't believe in sociatal change, these people actualy exists and it makes me sad.) I can whole heartedly believe that most want us to show more feelings and express ourselves better.

However I think a lot of people have blindspots as to how to enact that change, and to how to encourage, and how not to discourage expression. It comes out in places like the recent discussion about women reacting poorley to their partners expressing themselves, even though they encourage it. It comes out in the expectations we have for guys to be able to shoulder our own burdens, to be capable of doing so without breaking. To some, this sort of emotional fortitude is still remarkable, even though it's like being impressed by how much one person can drink in one sitting. It's impressive, sure, but it's doing some long term damage. It comes out in the way we treat guys who are emotional, not in the way the we help them, but in the way that we still protect everyone else from an emotional man first. Shit like that just reinforces the idea that emotions are dangerous, even if afterwards you try to help them work through them, the message gets recieved.

I also think there are a lot of standards that get reinforced for guys, without people thinking of the full breadth of their implications. The 'strong and silent type' is a big offender, as although it exists as a positive moniker, for someone who appears calm and collected, it is celebrating people for not expressing themselves. I went through my first few years as an adult aspiring to this standard, simply because I had difficulty interacting with people, due to some issues as a teenager, which meant that I needed to ballance between socialising and processing. This made me standoffish and a little quiet, and very uptight, if only because I wasn't acclimatised to fluid social interaction. I was complimented on this a few times. People seemingly thinking that I was doing it to be interesting, or because I was "artfully disinterested" which seemed to hint that I had more compelling thoughts going on. One person gave me the biggest ego trip I had ever had when they said 'I was like a knight' in that I behaved with decorum (simply because I didn't understand how not to.) This encouraged me not to share, and discouraged my asking for help (which I already stuggled with) in understanding how to socialise. I wish I had the boldness to say that I was uncomfortable, that not understandning the social dynamics made me feel excluded and confused, and that I doubted that I was going to be able to ever participate in the group the same way everyone else did. All because someone complimented me.

I know this was a little detour, but I think your message opens up a real opertunity to talk about how people make it hard for guys to open up. How little things, things that might even be meant as positives, can silence us, and make opening up harder for us. That there are expectations on the way we must act, makes this all so much more complicated as well. I think a lot of the people who do ask guys to open up, are not adequatley preparing themselves for what that means. They aren't understanding the amount we have held back, the facade of strength that some of us are putting up, the illusions of being ok, or doing fine when we are anything but. I don't think they are assising the fear we have over others judging us, our family, friends, colleages and employers, all of who may not see our expressing ourselves as natural, as normal. This is especialy daunting if we know that opening up is a long process, and that we cant hide it from these people, as once were in the open, we are in the open. I think that more awarness needs to be raised around just how much is going on under the bonnet, and what opening up actualy entials, rather than just presenting a short, romanticied version where some guy says 'I feel sad a bit' and then it's over, because thats just not how it works.

/r/MensLib Thread