I think probably I’m similar to you OP.

I had a gay relationship a while ago with a gay/bi man. It started off ok but then I got more insecure the more I felt things and the more I let my guard down.

I became neurotic and sometimes paranoid, other times distant and tried to push him away. He was a nice person and understanding to the point that I didn’t deserve. So I hated him for that too, because fuck, why not. I was so mean to him, toxic. Not just nasty, I’d push him around too and call him offensive things.

So idk, hope that makes you feel better about yourself. I think you can be repaired, you just need to admit your a twat, then get therapy.