You're doing a really good job illustrating that guys point.
It seems like you've got a fringe boogey man perception of conservative people. The boomer Donald Trump christian evangelist wacko you are describing does not make up the majority of conservatives, just like how most liberals aren't obese blue haired, anti-white, anarcho-communists. Frankly most conservatives under 40 are embarrassed by Donald trump and his base and wish he would stop acting like a dementia addled lunatic.
To address your specific questions:
Stands for fiscal conservativism? Nope, 2017 tax cut (and many, many other examples) rules that out
The conservative idea of taxes differs fundamentally from the liberal idea in that liberals generally believe the government should use taxes to help people as much as possible while conservatives generally believe people can better help themselves when their tax burden is kept to the lowest possible amount. Typically conservatives only want tax money to be used for absolutely essential things like the military, police, firefighters, etc. The idea isn't to leave people in trouble with no help, but rather to give them the chance to fix it on their own. This applies not just to individual income tax, but the tax system as a whole as higher taxes on businesses leads to higher cost of their services and products.
Stands for the military? Nope, looks at basically everything Trump has done and how Republicans have been silent on it.
Most conservatives do hold the military in high regard, both as a bulwark against foreign invasion, but also as an important cultural entity representing honor and duty. I come from a military family and about half my friends are veterans and I can tell you at least anecdotally that most conservatives and military members are not at all happy with recent trump exploits. Particularly Capt. Brett Crozier being relieved of duty and the embarrassing events that followed.
Stands for family values? Nope, looks at Trumps record, then looks at hundreds of other Republicans having been caught in sex scandals.
This is one that makes most younger conservative people groan when its brought up. The whole family values thing is from a dying generation and I think we can both agree that its a relic from a different time used to oppress women, LGBT people and basically anyone with a different lifestyle than a typical 1950's white person. Only fringe weirdos are really into "family values" even on the conservative side. I will say that conservative people tend to prefer children being raised with 2 parents instead of one and are concerned about single parenthood and the struggles that it comes with. I think liberal people are concerned too but their solution tends to be social programs to support the single parent whereas conservative people would rather educate people on the dangers and convince them not to do it willingly. In cases where it was not by choice such as the death of a spouse the conservative solution would be private life insurance to financially provide for the child/children and the liberal solution would be a government funded social program to do the same.
I am honestly asking here. What's the platform? I get that the GOP is not conservativism. But if that's the case then why do conservatives seem to line up to vote GOP? Why not form a new party that actually stands for something other than tax cuts for the rich?
You are right that the GOP is not conservatism. Many conservatives I know are beyond frustrated with GOP leadership My wife and I refuse to register as republican despite generally voting right of center and I know we are not alone. Many of my liberal friends are also frustrated with the DNC, particularly their reluctance to support anyone other than a corporate centrist like Joe Biden. Many people on the right would absolutely love a new party. despite being solidly right of center I have never felt that the GOP represents my interests or really any other interest other than their own bank accounts and I know I'm not alone. I think both the GOP and the DNC are long overdue for some real competition. The way I see it both parties are just tools for corporations to screw us all over, both right and left.
In my experience neither liberal or conservative people fully 100% align with their parties agenda and I think most people have more in common that not. The recent divides in this country break my heart and I can't see that path leading anywhere good. I'm a little older than the usual reddit user (old enough that i remember when reddit as a whole was libertarian right lol) and I know it doesn't have to be this way because I remember when it wasn't.
If you have any other questions I would be happy to answer them the best I can. When we fight each other tooth and nail the only people that win are the politicians and corporations and I think we can both agree that neither of us want that.