I feel like shit all the time. I do everything to please people even if I don't like them because I just cannot stand the thought of rejection. I'm not the person my family wants me to be and I remind myself of it all the time but at the same time I expect to be recognized as superior or special. I use fantasy as a form of escapism because I can't bear to actually think about what I feel - the only way I think about the present is by imagining my future self (hugely successful, enormously attractive, powerful, intelligent, loved) recounting it to someone who, obviously, admires me to no end. I'm not an attractive person and I know it, though if I put a few months of real effort into it I know that could change because as "hard" as I've tried since I was a kid, I can't make that difference in my life because there's a big-ass part of me that can't imagine anyone ever actually finding me appealing.

I feel guilty all the time because of this and so I don't allow myself to feel happiness because I think I don't deserve it. Any time that emotion comes up it's followed immediately by fear and absolutely crippling shame.

I understand that all this is unreasonable and that I make too much of myself, so I hate myself even more for thinking about it. When I think about how to kill myself I get angry because I'm indulging myself and I just can't stand that.

But I can't help it. I feel like I'm drowning. Everybody just gets further and further away from me, and separated, as though I'm seeing them through a film. I can't connect anymore. And the longer it goes on, the less I can suppress it. I don't do anything anymore. I do my homework because I'm vaguely smart and that's really the only thing I have going for me anymore, but it's all mediocre. I sit in my room and let shit pile up because I just don't give a fuck. My mom comes in and starts shouting and crying because I make things so hard for her and I don't feel or do anything, I just wait for her to finish so that I can go back to watching the shitty TV shows that distract me.

I don't want to go see anyone because I don't want to be told that this is nothing, that it's normal, that it'll pass, because I'm sure psychiatrists get endless amounts of angsty teens telling them the exact same thing and I try to be down-to-earth so the idea of playing into that desire of something being wrong with me makes me sick. At the same time, I genuinely worry that I might be mentally ill because of the thoughts I have and I know how much it would hurt my family, especially my older brother (who had/has PTSD after our dad's death) if I were to let it get to the point where I do kill myself.

TL;DR Can't figure myself out, depersonalisation, don't want to see anybody about it