Two years ago the woman i thought i would marry left me for someone else, they lasted a week and she tried reconnecting a couple of months after, i ignored her because the day she broke up with me my abusive mother took me out of my home and moved all my shit back to her place. Not having any responsibilities beside work did not do wonders for my mental health and i quit my job and sold my house. Her and my ex hated each other because of stupid reasons. We met when she was homeless and depressed, and it took so much out of me to encourage her daily to find a job or friends or a hobby to help her get over her depression(she mentioned a suicide attempt and rape), she finally did get all those things and seemed like a genuinely happy person. Two weeks after making friends at her new job she left. It killed me inside. I know she doesn't owe me anything, and even if we'd never dated i would have helped her. I dreamed about her every night for months. Most of the time the dreams started with my clearest memory of her. Id just gotten back fromy shift and had come down the stairs to the basement i was renting, she was sitting on the futon half asleep with bags under her eyes wearing her cupcake pants and purple sweater, she gets up and gives me the warmest smile id ever recieved and in the most heartwarming tone says "baby youre home". I asked what she was doing up since I wprked thirds at the time and it was super early, she said she was waiting to fall asleep with me. No one in my life has ever been that loving and the way we broke up really made me feel used, it repainted all my memories of her. Idk what was in her head and her heart anymore, was the whole thing fake? Was i right? Am i as unlovable as i feel all the fucking time? Ive been nonstop smoking weed and taking any and all drugs since then, i know its bad, but if i start dreaming again and have that fucking nightmare that starts with me walking down those steps amd o hear those words i wont stop crying. It hurts so fucking bad everytime it happens. I havent spoken to her since a couple months after the breakup. I dont want to speak to her. I dont want anything to do with her. She always made me feel like absolute trash whenever i tried to initiate sex, we'd go months without it. Now I'm lying in bed once again thinking about how shitty i am. Ive never told anyone this, if i get asked i tell them it didnt work out. Oh yeah and i tried getting into another relationship last christmas but she ended up raping me. She stopped talkimg to me after that and then went down to florida to be a witness in a murder case during which she got drunk and hit her friend on a motorcycle. Dude didnt die so she saw no jailtime but i think hes a vegetable now. Now im gonna play overwatch till my eyes bleed and im too tired to dream.