At first, I thought I invented it.
Anyways, my mom was out of the apartment one night (I think she was on a field trip for her school (she is a teacher), and I got scared that she wasn't gonna come back. So I went into her room and decided to sleep in there and wait for her to come back the next day and watch TV since it was either there or the living room and the living room is creepy at night.
I didn't think anything happened during the night. But when I woke, my mom was standing next to the bed with a look of "what the fuck" on her face, as she stared at a giant puddle of semen all over her white sheets. I had had my first wet dream, in my mom's bed of all places. I asked her what the hell that shit was, and she said, "Well, now I know your body is ready to impregnate an 11 year old girl (I was 11 at the time).
She wasn't angry at me. Since I grew up without a positive father figure in my life, she had been the one to give me the talk about a year before. She showed me Monty Python's The Meaning of Life as a tool to help me understand. But she had no idea how to approach the topic of masturbation, especially since it is such a taboo in not just American culture, but in her culture (She's Irish). I believe masturbation was illegal in Ireland until like the 1980s or so.
She washed her sheets and carried on with her day. She was also gone until 8 pm that night, so I was home alone after school.
I honestly don't remember how it started, but I got home from school that day incredibly horny. The only excuse I had to be naked was if I was taking a shower or a bath, so I got buck naked and hopped in the bathtub. I don't know what drove me to it, but I started sliding up and down the bathtub on my stomach/dick, rubbing my dick against the porcelain. The floor of that bathtub was particularly coarse, making it an ideal candidate for this particular form of masturbation (though I did cut my dick several times in the future because of how rough it was, leading to me using the simple hand method). I did it for 15 minutes. 15 long minutes. All of a sudden, this feeling came upon me that I had never felt before. It is best described as euphoria, as I felt the best I had ever felt and I felt like I could do anything. It built up for several seconds as my back arched in ecstasy, and then release. The greatest feeling I had ever felt. My pearly white semen escaped onto my hand and I held it up in the air victoriously.
And then the phone rang. Panic came over me. The euphoria was gone, replaced by a feeling of dread that I would be caught in such a vile act. How would I explain that I had sex with a bathtub to my mother? I hopped out of the bathtub and sprinted my bare ass over to my mom's room, where the phone was. Sure enough, the caller ID revealed my mom's number.
I leaped over the bed to reach for the phone, my well endowed lower half flapping in the air. I answered. My mom was telling me that I had to be ready to go out to dinner that night around 8. There was a birthday party we had to go to down at a local restaurant and she wasn't going to be home from school because of a recital that her class was putting on until we had to leave for the party. I sat there, and looked down at my newly discovered best friend, who was leaking(!!) like the pipe in our bathroom. I kept my cool, ended the conversation with my mother by promising I'd be ready, and ran into the bathroom to discover that my dick was bleeding as well as leaking semen because of the course bathtub (nowadays I use vaseline and it has built up a tolerance towards rough surfaces). So there you have it, one giant phallic mess.
That commenced several years of 15-30 minute showers. My brother realizes now what was up, but he has kept quiet because he is also afraid how my Mom would react if it came to light that he jacks off too. In all likelihood, she wouldn't do anything, she wouldn't care, and we would realize that she had known for years, but we still will never bring it up.