Felt like shit my entire life. I'm 24 now, and basically since I was about 11 I barely left my room.
I don't feel like I can fit in society, find it hard to even think about getting a job because of having to interact with strangers daily.
I was in school but didn't actually finish anything, so got no certificate, was in the army for my 3 year mandatory service, but didn't really do anything important. I recently started studying art, but I find it hard to study and put my time into something, so I don't know if I'll even finish the course or if I will, if I could work in that field.
Lately I've been trying to be more in contact with friends and hang out with them more, but most of my friends live really far from me and go to uni/work so it's not that easy. They're good people, but I always feel like I don't have anything to provide to a conversation, so even when I am with them I feel bad.
I've never dated, I felt close to a few girls here and there but it always resulted in them waiting for me to do something and me doing nothing (I guess I just never felt ready for anything until now).
I recently hung out with a girl friend and thought I felt some advances, hand holding and hugging and that stuff. We spent a few hours just hugging under the stars and she would play with my hand/lay on top of me for fun. Honestly, probably the best I've ever felt my entire life. But I guess I read playfulness/friendlyness wrong, saw her a couple times after that and it all died instantly. I wish I could go back to those few hours and just relive them over and over.
So now I feel like shit, like most of the time, and now that friend just won't leave my mind.
Wish I could be someone else