My mom tried to kill herself in front of me.

When I was four years old, my parents started their divorce. With good reason. My mom was a schizophrenic drug abuser that cheated on my dad and stole from my college fund. When my dad finally had the courage to kick her out, I went with her and we ended up in a dingy smoke filled apartment. We were struggling, she was depressed, and after another attempt to have my dad take us back, she was broken.

My mom often left me alone to be with her drug friends. One day, after a day by myself, my mom busted the door open and had this cold glassy eyed stare and blank expression on her face. She wouldn't say hello. Instead, she went over to the sink, grabbed a butcher knife, and raised it in the air. I didn't know what the word for suicide was but I knew what she was planning to do. As my mom prepared to plunge the knife, tears streamed down my face as I begged her not to leave me. I kept saying over and over, "Please Mommy. Please don't leave me. Please don't do it I don't want you to go I love you. Please don't leave me here."

As she ignored my cries, she plunged the knife into her abdomen, let out a blood curdling scream, and collapse on the couch. She was silent, her face was sweaty, and she didn't move for a minute. I scrambled to her side and lifted up her shirt to see how deep she cut herself. By some miracle, she didn't have a scratch on her. Then I started hearing her heavy breathing. I hugged her so tight I never wanted to let go.

I can't explain how she didn't end up with at least a cut. There was so much force when she tried to stab herself. I can only assume at the last second she must have contorted her body so it didn't touch her.

My mom has since abandoned her drug addiction and is dedicated to keeping her illness in check. I've never discussed it with her. She already has a lot of denial about the things she's done...but she does apologize every time I talk to her about the things she's willing to admit. I don't want to burden her with this memory. I'm just glad she hasn't attempted since.