Oh boy...

At 13 I internally persecuted everyone for being so complacent with the problems in the world. This was a part of mental illness for me. I became profoundly depressed and often spent hours contemplating why people didn't act on such clear and immediate threats to society. Why the fuck were we just allowing human health to be thrown away for cheap energy from coal? Why were we letting the 3rd world, rife with disease, continue to fester?

I decided that it was because everyone was either incredibly ignorant or apathetic. Why wouldn't they just revolt against these things, couldn't they see how horrible the world will be due to our actions?

Then my anxiety and depression evolved into borderline psychosis with delusions of being wire tapped, thinking I was monitored. I developed obsessive thoughts and compulsions at 14 or 15. I routinely scanned my computer for malicious software planted to spy on me, I knew it could be hidden easily given the capabilities of spy organizations. I was convinced that the US government was developing tools for dragnet surveillance on everyone so they could monitor our actions and subvert dissent. They were ochestrating the suffering, I concluded, and these tools would control is. The ignorance of people was deliberate, they were intentially drip fed simplistic talking points and pointless, distracting celebrity centered media. They news was a puppet for the agenda of these collaborative powers.

It got really fucking bad. I did a lot of digging around, basically concluded that I was being watched because of my knowledge of their agenda to control us. I remember reading about the construction of the NSA database outside of Salt Lake ( I think that was the location) and the rulings on the patriot act. It was incredibly obvious to me that such legal precedent was being used to create inatituions for mass spying and the sabotage of threats to... The Illuminati. I was really losing it now. My rationale behind the legal framework for spying and the clear intent to build the infrastructure wasn't unreasonable, especially given the few whistleblowers who had claimed this was happening but that was my stepping stone into the really delusional stuff. I was bound to get something right.

Sooner than later I began to believe that the Illuminati was going to create RFID chips to catalogue us and meticulously dissect all our lives. This is where I begin to feel shame. I started believing in reptillian conspiracy theories. I was so incredibly ill at this time. I believed in this conspiracy about a guy who supposedly went down into an alien outpost underneath a desert in the US and killed two alien 'greys'. I watched videos about shapeshifting aliens all kinds of shit. At 15 I was pretty out of it. Oh yeah, I thought zionism was some arm of the illuminati and thought Israel was responsible for 9/11. I wan never anti-semetic or violent though, just reallly far gone from rationality in an attempt to explain why the world was so fucked up.

I have gotten rid off all the conspiratorial beliefs but still have a hard time coping with things. I realize the world is extremely complex, I find the lack of action on various issues quite disconcerting but I try to flesh out all aspects of the problem rather than force some dogma to explain it all. It has been a long time recovering from being completely paranoid of everyone except my immediate family.

0/10, don't reccommend.

Please excuse what is surely a boat load of gramstical errors, I am tired.